how can anyone be happy with mediocrity?

i find it hard not to be bogged down with all the bullshit in the world

what if my life turned out differently? i always ask myself this question

what if the knife went in? if my car had actually swerved off the road? what if my dad were still alive?

all these fucking disjointed thoughts keep me awake at night. and i just lie awake praying for sleep to overcome my drained body

i feel so weak sometimes

When I get into arguments, I immediately get my guard up. But i hate when other people do the same. H-y-p-o-c-r-i-t

In high school, I used to love being numb. I would walk around the school with my guard up at all times, my walls built up. I felt so numb. Not caring about anyone or anything. It didn't even feel like I was myself. Nowadays I feel like I care too much about everything

i hate going to bed without you

my biggest fear in life is losing you

how can my cousin be so callous to my uncle? does she remember that when i was her age, my father was slowly dying of cancer?

i guess this makes me mad, because i'm mad at myself. i was exactly how she was when i was 17. not a care in the world. even when he was sick, i was fed up with my dad. i could have been nicer to him. why wasn't i?

why the fuck was i so busy chasing girls in high school? why couldn't i have spent more time with my dad?

my last conversation with him was a short stilted dialogue that lasted all of a minute

i still hurt so bad

today, at dinner, my uncle was talking about his bad stomach and his recent acid reflux and i almost cried because i was reminded of how transient life. it sounds so stupid of me, but it's sad to see him getting older

he reminds me so much of my dad

does he think about him as much as i do?

i should be working on my UConn transfer essay...too bad i'm too lazy and i lack the inspiration

And you bring me to my knees, again
All this time that I could beg you please, in vain
All this time that I felt insecure, for you
And I leave my burdens at the door

And it's the downward spiral, got me suicidal
But too scared to do it so these pills will be the rifle
Surpassing all my idols, took the wrong turn

repeating instrumentals tryna figure patterns out

i hope you're proud of me

i want a better college experience. i feel like i'm wasting my time this fall. while everyone else is going to have a great time at school, i'm gonna be fucking miserable at central. i wish i could transfer schools for the fall, but it's too late. i just can't wait for the spring to get out of this awful school...

I feel like I should be doing something more productive with my time...

I don't ever need anyone's pity. No one has any fucking right to look down on me. I'm fucking better than the majority of people I'm perfect just the way I am. No one has any right to change me. If you can't accept me, then fuck off

there will be tears
i've no doubt
there may be smiles
but a few
and when those tears
have run out
you will be numb and blue

i can't be there with you
but i can dream

I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May god's love be with you
Always
May god's love be with you

I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes