I've been seething with anger all day. Blinded by a white hot rage that nothing can fix.

You taste so bitter and so sweet...

i am always someone's priority. i won't settle for less, and no one can treat me like an "obligation"

words cannot describe how let down i feel......good shit

I remember feeling like a joke during senior year. The feeling that I'm such a mess that no one takes me seriously. I remember that lead to me being numb. I'm scared because I feel like I'm some sort of god damn joke

"Everyday, we stand one inch away from the precipice of chaos, and all it takes is that one catalyst to force us into that chaos"

i'll do anything for you
i did everything for you

things haven't been clicking for me recently. i feel lost in a sea of emptiness. i've been a terrible boyfriend, an awful friend, and an awful brother.

i can't get a grip of things around me. i've been feeling more angry than i have ever been before and i have no idea why.

i'm scared. frightened of losing the people i hold dear

keep your head up, above the surface of the water that tries to push me under the endless abyss.

a week from this monday is the 2 year anniversary of my father's death, and the closer the day comes, the more i get unraveled

it's hard to accept that the closest i'll be able to get to my dad for the REST OF MY LIFE is the cold slab of rock that is his tombstone.

i guess i feel bad that i wasn't a pall bearer at his funeral. i was just so crippled with nothingness that i couldn't bring myself to do it

i was driving around town today before going home, and i realized how beautiful my hometown is during the Fall. it makes me sad that i've been so caught up with everything else, that i haven't stopped to take the time to notice things around me

and as i kept driving around, i thought how next year, i'm turning 20. and how i want to take advantage of being a teenager and i want to care-free and have more fun than i'm having right now. i feel so old

i kind of miss high school. i miss being able to walk to starbucks with friends and just talk. i miss my youth

i've come to realize that October has traditionally been a bad month for me. most of the things that happen are bad.

Senior year my dad died

Freshman year, my car got t-boned, i felt like i couldn't handle college and i felt ridiculously depressed

This October, i've had some car troubles, and i feel like i am being swallowed by my stress and anxiety and i can't help but think about my dad everyday

it's hard to believe it's almost been two years....

after blogging and crying, all i feel now is defeated.

at the end of the day, i have to remember how much i have to be thankful for. even though he's gone, my dad gave me the best life he could. he was always there and was more or less supportive and pushed me to do my best. he instilled in me a good code of ethics and morals

i'm ridiculously thankful to have ECI. i'm not sure where i'd be without her. and i just wanna thank her for putting up with my bullshit

i'm just so fucking mad right now, i feel like i could punch a wall. i don't know what's bothering me. maybe it's because the two year anniversary of my dad's death is coming up, and i'm still struggling to cope with his loss. maybe it's because i'm tired of everyone expecting me to be their everything. my sister shits on me now because i'm not "involved with the family" and that my niece is mad at me for not asking about her. i can't deal with all this pressure!

maybe i'm sick of busting my ass in school.

i'm sitting in my basement, and i'm flooded with past memories

i remember this time last year, i was at a crossroad in my life. miranda and i broke up, and i called isabel from my basement and had a fucking nervous breakdown on the phone with her for an hour. i remember texting bobby and telling him how badly i wanted to move out of connecticut, because i felt like there was nothing here for me.

iu always wondered how people knew exactly what they wanna do with their lives, or how they can be so independent.

my day got a shitload better. i found out that i got accepted to UConn second semester! that's a load off my back. now i just gotta wait a month to hear back from Conn. gettin' pumped for second semesterr

last night, i had trouble falling asleep. Thoughts drifted through my brain, and two specific ideas stuck. the first, was how i feel like i could be treated better (an important thought, but not the one i want to discuss). The second, and most pertinent, was how the movie The Road, an adaptation of the novel written by Cormac McCarthy is relevant to my life. The movie features a young boy and his father who must survive in a post-apocalyptic world. The father, slowly dies as the story progresses and tries his best to provude life lessons to his son when the dad is no longer living. The son is stubborn and tries live a life how he sees fit much to the disdain of his father. This movie really hits close to home, because much like my life story, the child's father dies in his arms. The child is forced to go through life without his father by his side.

As I'm sitting here in Starbucks writing this, my eyes are slowly pooling with tears, and I am filled with an all too familiar of emptiness. I am transported back to my senior year of high school, I'm lying on my stomach on my bed, my laptop is on the desk next to me playing some depressing tune. A handle of vodka is sitting on the floor next to my bed. My mouth is burning from the vile alcohol and tears are streaming down my face. Maybe if I drink, it will numb my pain. I can only handle taking a few short swigs of vodka. Suicidal thoughts bombard my brain. "Mike, your life is fucking worthless. Why don't you end it now? You were supposed to die instead of your father. His life actually meant something." I struggle to push these thoughts out of my head. How did ILC do it? I'm so envious of her. How did she overcome these feelings and is now living a happy life? Why can't I be happy?

As the two year anniversary of my father's death comes up, all I can think of is how much has happened since his death. I'm mad at him, though. Why can't he be around to experience life with me? Why can't we sit on the couch in the living room together and watch tv, and observe as he slowly falls asleep with his hand touching his neck underneath his collared shirt? I want to be able to wake him up before going to school by tickling his feet which would always hang outside the blankets. I want nothing more than to walk the streets of downtown Philly at night, walking past all the brick townhouses that belonged to the upper class. We would chat about my future plans, girls, and his life. I just want to go see a hockey game with him one last time. I just want to give him one last kiss on the cheek.

The only time I can see him now is at the cemetery, his body is now 6 feet under. He was only 54. the cemetery is no place for him.

how fucking dare my mom go on dates with random, sleezy assholes? it's so inconsiderate to my dad. i don't fucking care if he said she could date. he was the only man for her. no one can take my mom out. no one compares to my dad.

why do i put in 110% percent into everything, and am still let down?