i'm not sure why i always do this

there's always this brick wall preventing me from attaining happiness. each brick is inscribed with all of my insecurities, fears and dislikes built up over the years.
everyone disappoints me, i have such high expectations that can never be met, i wish i were more muscular, why does everyone walk all over me? why can't i stand up for myself?

the mortar that the bricks lay upon is infused with bitterness, hatred and depression

sometimes i wonder how i got to the place where i am today

somedays i'm just so overcome with nothingness that it's hard to function

is god testing me? i know i need to change, but somehow i always end up in the same shitty predicament

But, I believe in you so much  I could die for the words that you say
But, I believe in you so much
I could die from the words that you say

today i was finishing up my financial aid requirements for conn, and it asked me to list all the other properties i owned....

and suddenly it hit me that i have so many more privileges than others have. i guess i never realized how comfortably middle class i am

It's the same outside
Driving to the riverside
I pretend to cry
Even if I cried alone

I forgot the start
Use my hands to use my heart
Even if I died alone
Even if I died alone

i was petting my dog earlier, and i noticed how sick he was. all the bumps on his back, his sides. he's thin, going blind and can hardly stand

i can't help but cry everytime i see him. such a fragile, gentle animal. slowly dying before my very eyes. i want to spend more time with him.

i guess he reminds me of my dad. dying of physical affliction

i can't stand it. it breaks my heart

does he remember my dad? even though my dad didn't much care for him. what's going to happen when he dies?

i have so few physical things to remind me of my dad.

http://soundcloud.com/ofwgkta-official/chum

It's probably been twelve years since my father left, left me fatherless
And I just used to say I hate him in dishonest jest
When honestly I miss this nigga, like when I was six
And every time I got the chance to say it I would swallow it

Get up off the pavement brush the dirt up off my psyche
Psyche, psyche 

i don't know how to fucking do anything for myself. all my life, everyone has done everything for me. all i know is how to work hard. to escape everything, if i bury my head deep enough into the huge pile of work

now i'm sitting here, oscillating between furiously smashing the keys on my keyboard and sobbing my eyes out on my bed

lying there, a mountain of tissues next to me, my eyes hurting so much from the bitter tears i weep. fetal position. a familiar sight for Mike...

how the fuck do i always end up here? it's pathetic. and now i'm bitching about my shit when i should be thankful for everything i have, yet sometimes i'm consumed with tunnel vision. a never-ending uneasiness that shakes me to the bone. my heart pounding in my chest. can't focus, can't move, can't be autonomous.

god damn.

why didn't my father prepare me more for the real world? 

or maybe he did, and i was too fucking ignorant to pay any attention. stuck in my own little shallow world 

















 

I've been seething with anger all day. Blinded by a white hot rage that nothing can fix.

You taste so bitter and so sweet...

i am always someone's priority. i won't settle for less, and no one can treat me like an "obligation"

words cannot describe how let down i feel......good shit

I remember feeling like a joke during senior year. The feeling that I'm such a mess that no one takes me seriously. I remember that lead to me being numb. I'm scared because I feel like I'm some sort of god damn joke

"Everyday, we stand one inch away from the precipice of chaos, and all it takes is that one catalyst to force us into that chaos"

i'll do anything for you
i did everything for you

things haven't been clicking for me recently. i feel lost in a sea of emptiness. i've been a terrible boyfriend, an awful friend, and an awful brother.

i can't get a grip of things around me. i've been feeling more angry than i have ever been before and i have no idea why.

i'm scared. frightened of losing the people i hold dear

keep your head up, above the surface of the water that tries to push me under the endless abyss.

a week from this monday is the 2 year anniversary of my father's death, and the closer the day comes, the more i get unraveled

it's hard to accept that the closest i'll be able to get to my dad for the REST OF MY LIFE is the cold slab of rock that is his tombstone.

i guess i feel bad that i wasn't a pall bearer at his funeral. i was just so crippled with nothingness that i couldn't bring myself to do it

i was driving around town today before going home, and i realized how beautiful my hometown is during the Fall. it makes me sad that i've been so caught up with everything else, that i haven't stopped to take the time to notice things around me

and as i kept driving around, i thought how next year, i'm turning 20. and how i want to take advantage of being a teenager and i want to care-free and have more fun than i'm having right now. i feel so old

i kind of miss high school. i miss being able to walk to starbucks with friends and just talk. i miss my youth

i've come to realize that October has traditionally been a bad month for me. most of the things that happen are bad.

Senior year my dad died

Freshman year, my car got t-boned, i felt like i couldn't handle college and i felt ridiculously depressed

This October, i've had some car troubles, and i feel like i am being swallowed by my stress and anxiety and i can't help but think about my dad everyday

it's hard to believe it's almost been two years....

after blogging and crying, all i feel now is defeated.

at the end of the day, i have to remember how much i have to be thankful for. even though he's gone, my dad gave me the best life he could. he was always there and was more or less supportive and pushed me to do my best. he instilled in me a good code of ethics and morals

i'm ridiculously thankful to have ECI. i'm not sure where i'd be without her. and i just wanna thank her for putting up with my bullshit

i'm just so fucking mad right now, i feel like i could punch a wall. i don't know what's bothering me. maybe it's because the two year anniversary of my dad's death is coming up, and i'm still struggling to cope with his loss. maybe it's because i'm tired of everyone expecting me to be their everything. my sister shits on me now because i'm not "involved with the family" and that my niece is mad at me for not asking about her. i can't deal with all this pressure!

maybe i'm sick of busting my ass in school.

i'm sitting in my basement, and i'm flooded with past memories

i remember this time last year, i was at a crossroad in my life. miranda and i broke up, and i called isabel from my basement and had a fucking nervous breakdown on the phone with her for an hour. i remember texting bobby and telling him how badly i wanted to move out of connecticut, because i felt like there was nothing here for me.

iu always wondered how people knew exactly what they wanna do with their lives, or how they can be so independent.

my day got a shitload better. i found out that i got accepted to UConn second semester! that's a load off my back. now i just gotta wait a month to hear back from Conn. gettin' pumped for second semesterr

last night, i had trouble falling asleep. Thoughts drifted through my brain, and two specific ideas stuck. the first, was how i feel like i could be treated better (an important thought, but not the one i want to discuss). The second, and most pertinent, was how the movie The Road, an adaptation of the novel written by Cormac McCarthy is relevant to my life. The movie features a young boy and his father who must survive in a post-apocalyptic world. The father, slowly dies as the story progresses and tries his best to provude life lessons to his son when the dad is no longer living. The son is stubborn and tries live a life how he sees fit much to the disdain of his father. This movie really hits close to home, because much like my life story, the child's father dies in his arms. The child is forced to go through life without his father by his side.

As I'm sitting here in Starbucks writing this, my eyes are slowly pooling with tears, and I am filled with an all too familiar of emptiness. I am transported back to my senior year of high school, I'm lying on my stomach on my bed, my laptop is on the desk next to me playing some depressing tune. A handle of vodka is sitting on the floor next to my bed. My mouth is burning from the vile alcohol and tears are streaming down my face. Maybe if I drink, it will numb my pain. I can only handle taking a few short swigs of vodka. Suicidal thoughts bombard my brain. "Mike, your life is fucking worthless. Why don't you end it now? You were supposed to die instead of your father. His life actually meant something." I struggle to push these thoughts out of my head. How did ILC do it? I'm so envious of her. How did she overcome these feelings and is now living a happy life? Why can't I be happy?

As the two year anniversary of my father's death comes up, all I can think of is how much has happened since his death. I'm mad at him, though. Why can't he be around to experience life with me? Why can't we sit on the couch in the living room together and watch tv, and observe as he slowly falls asleep with his hand touching his neck underneath his collared shirt? I want to be able to wake him up before going to school by tickling his feet which would always hang outside the blankets. I want nothing more than to walk the streets of downtown Philly at night, walking past all the brick townhouses that belonged to the upper class. We would chat about my future plans, girls, and his life. I just want to go see a hockey game with him one last time. I just want to give him one last kiss on the cheek.

The only time I can see him now is at the cemetery, his body is now 6 feet under. He was only 54. the cemetery is no place for him.

how fucking dare my mom go on dates with random, sleezy assholes? it's so inconsiderate to my dad. i don't fucking care if he said she could date. he was the only man for her. no one can take my mom out. no one compares to my dad.

why do i put in 110% percent into everything, and am still let down?

"I wake up and feel empty. Shit makes you wanna squeeze a glock 'til it's empty. In already standing on the edge, so don't tip me"

i kind of feel like i'm being taken for granted...

i'm tired of being a victim, i'm tired of struggling to find happiness in things i do, i'm tired of being tired

everyone expects so much from me

my family expects me to be there for them at all times, spend time with them, and be the man of the house

my friends expect me to keep contact with them and to visit them

i can't please everyone. i'm trying to do what makes me happy

i love spending time with my woman. she's the only one that really gets me

i feel so overwhelmed all the time. i'm just so tired. i toss and turn at night struggling to fall asleep. and when i do, my alarm wakes me up and i feel so exhausted

can i just go to sleep?

I'm just so tired. Why do I work myself so hard? I can hear my dad's voice in my head all the time, pushing me to work harder and harder.

i need to get back to lifting again. i can't gain any weight this school year

"in the end, life and love aren't about what IFs, they are about what IS. Mike, nobody can change the past, just gotta keep that head up"

spoken by a true friend :)

And with words unspoken
A silent devotion
I know you know what i mean
And the end is unknown
But i think i’m ready
As long as you’re with me

i guess in the end, we all perish. victims of our biological time clocks. everyday they tick down until that fateful day. muscles grow and atrophy, youth comes and goes. life is the most precious and fragile thing.

i wish my dad had fought harder. for himself. he sacrificed his own life for that of his children, and that is the greatest miracle i could ever ask for

i was thinking today about how ephemeral life is. i need to live a full of meaningful memories, of little regrets. why did i care so much in the past about certain things? even more recently, why did i fret during last semester about everything imaginable? my anxiety through the roof. sometimes i can't sleep at night. haunted by past and present occurrences. i guess my path to happiness involves making those around me happy. that's how i take care of myself. by providing those around me with tools to live better lives. i believe everyone is fundamentally moral

I try to live my life devoid of sin, in the purest way possible. Because in the end, I want to live a life I am proud of

I really wish I had more control over my own life

In general, I don't deal well with anyone's bullshit. If I feel like I am wronged, I because really standoffish and introverted

If you live your life trying to please everyone else, you'll be the unhappiness person who ever walked the earth

you got a face to call home <3

i'm going to dedicate myself to my school work this semester. it's my last one at central, and i have to go out with a bang

i'm really nervous about transferring. i know i'll get into uconn, but i'd much rather go to conn college. my grades are great, and i wrote a solid essay, so i'm feeling pretty optimistic

the semester has gotten off to a rocky start so far, however. i'm already having problems with my suitemates. thankfully, i'm moving out of there tomorrow night back to my old dorm, which i'm actually pretty excited about

other than that, i've been seeing a lot of fellow OL's on campus quite frequently, and it's nice that i'm able to recognize and say hi to a lot of familiar faces!

i just found out that the transfer rate at conn is 20-30%, and they usually take 10-20 transfer students for the spring semester. i'm praying that i get in....


i've worked my ass off this past year, and especially in high school, and i really deserve to go there

after my dad died, the only positive thing in my life has been Emily. i'm looking for some big changes to happen to finally be able to take pride in what i do, and stop being so anxious about fucking bullshit

i just really hope the odds are in my favor

I would take a bullet for you

how can anyone be happy with mediocrity?

i find it hard not to be bogged down with all the bullshit in the world

what if my life turned out differently? i always ask myself this question

what if the knife went in? if my car had actually swerved off the road? what if my dad were still alive?

all these fucking disjointed thoughts keep me awake at night. and i just lie awake praying for sleep to overcome my drained body

i feel so weak sometimes

When I get into arguments, I immediately get my guard up. But i hate when other people do the same. H-y-p-o-c-r-i-t

In high school, I used to love being numb. I would walk around the school with my guard up at all times, my walls built up. I felt so numb. Not caring about anyone or anything. It didn't even feel like I was myself. Nowadays I feel like I care too much about everything

i hate going to bed without you

my biggest fear in life is losing you

how can my cousin be so callous to my uncle? does she remember that when i was her age, my father was slowly dying of cancer?

i guess this makes me mad, because i'm mad at myself. i was exactly how she was when i was 17. not a care in the world. even when he was sick, i was fed up with my dad. i could have been nicer to him. why wasn't i?

why the fuck was i so busy chasing girls in high school? why couldn't i have spent more time with my dad?

my last conversation with him was a short stilted dialogue that lasted all of a minute

i still hurt so bad

today, at dinner, my uncle was talking about his bad stomach and his recent acid reflux and i almost cried because i was reminded of how transient life. it sounds so stupid of me, but it's sad to see him getting older

he reminds me so much of my dad

does he think about him as much as i do?

i should be working on my UConn transfer essay...too bad i'm too lazy and i lack the inspiration

And you bring me to my knees, again
All this time that I could beg you please, in vain
All this time that I felt insecure, for you
And I leave my burdens at the door

And it's the downward spiral, got me suicidal
But too scared to do it so these pills will be the rifle
Surpassing all my idols, took the wrong turn

repeating instrumentals tryna figure patterns out

i hope you're proud of me

i want a better college experience. i feel like i'm wasting my time this fall. while everyone else is going to have a great time at school, i'm gonna be fucking miserable at central. i wish i could transfer schools for the fall, but it's too late. i just can't wait for the spring to get out of this awful school...

I feel like I should be doing something more productive with my time...

I don't ever need anyone's pity. No one has any fucking right to look down on me. I'm fucking better than the majority of people I'm perfect just the way I am. No one has any right to change me. If you can't accept me, then fuck off

there will be tears
i've no doubt
there may be smiles
but a few
and when those tears
have run out
you will be numb and blue

i can't be there with you
but i can dream

I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May god's love be with you
Always
May god's love be with you

I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes

S plus P, it's meant to be <3

I'm so crippled by my guilt and burdens that its hard to function some times

I feel like a fucking asshole because I don't have a job this summer. I mean, I did have a tough school year, and I'm still dealing withy dad's death, so I deserve some time off, but I still can't help but feel guilty for being a bum

You don't really realize that after you graduate high school, you're in the real world. The illusion of childhood is over, and you're forced to make life decisions as an adult. There's no more playing games. After high school, everything you do matters. You make choices that will impact your futures successes

But I know the heart of life is good

if my dad were around, he would tell me to go to UConn

he would have wanted me to be happy, but to not venture past UConn in terms of schools

if he were around, i probably wouldn't be as mature as i am today

now that he's gone, i'm able to do things to make me happy

everything happens for a reason, but i still miss the shit out of him

i can't fucking wait to leave central! i'm just incredibly nervous that i won't get into conn

i was walking at the reservoir this morning, crying to myself

thinking about conn college and how i deserve to be at that school much more than a lot of the fucks who go there

getting down on myself, because i wanna be happy and make my dad proud

while i was there, i was thinking to myself how cool it would be to see this middle age asian couple i frequently see walking. they are genuine people. the man has long black hair, which is now graying, tucked behind his ears, and his wife trails behind. she gives off a pleasant aura

and i thought to myself, "i haven't seen them walking yet. maybe they're not here. but if i do, then i know that it will be a sign that i will transfer to conn"

i like to ascribe great cosmic significance to seemingly inconsequential events, but they are actually not inconsequential

i put this thought aside, and didn't really think about it

instead, i dwelled on my unhappiness and that i want to transfer schools

i was getting discouraged, until the last leg of the walk

i climbed a hill, and saw the couple!

the man gave me a really big smile, and the wife, who usually just nods, grinned her teeth at me. it was incredibly genuine!

after i passed them, my heart began to pound. will my thought come true? will i successfully transfer to conn?

i hope so

I shouldn't be under this much pressure, now. It's the fucking summer, after all

when i was a little kid, i wanted nothing more than being a grown up. the freedom of being able to do anything i wanted enticed me. i wanted to be on my own more than anything

now that i'm legally an adult, i wish i were young again. i miss high school. granted, the classes sucked, and seeing the same people over and over again got awkward, especially if you had a bad encounter with them. but i miss the memories i created. i loved being able to see kids in my school and instantly being able to remember all the embarrassing things they did. i miss not having responsibilities. i miss not having to worry about work, or my future. i miss being able to hang out with my good friends on a daily basis

i know there's no going back, but it just sucks that my 4 years of high school are now behind me

are you going to scarborough fair?
parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme

multiple breakdowns later, i'm slowly starting to realize that i'm doing ok

God I'll make them pay
Take it back one day
I'll end this day
I'll splatter color
On this gray

Born to push you around
Better just stay down
You pull away
He hits the flesh
You hit the ground

Mouth so full of lies
Tend to black your eyes
Just keep them closed
Keep praying
Just keep waiting

Waiting for the one
The day that never comes

And in the end, my world always comes crashing down around me, and I'm just left to suffer my panic attacks and try to make things right, because I've certainly fucked up

I don't ever need anyone's pity. I'm fucking strong. I don't ever want anyone looking down on me. That's because I'm better than most fucking people, anyway. Thank god I was raised right

I'm the hero of this story, don't need to be saved

even though i finished the semester with a 4.0 GPA, and had a cumulative GPA of 3.96, and am taking a summer class, i feel like a bum.

i feel like i could be doing more, and it makes me feel really guilty

i know that i'm trying my best and it's humanly impossible to be able to do everything, but it still makes me feel bad

i really need you, babe.

ever since i started college, i've come to the realization that things happen for a reason

Now don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am?

I like who i am, and i'm not fucking changing for anyone. i like that i'm a really romantic and passionate guy. i take solace in receiving and doing small gestures.

but i also wear my heart on my sleeve and i'm fine with that

i like that i'm sensitive, because that allows me to relate to people. i'm really social and i put myself out there

i'm really smart and motivated

but most importantly, i'm caring and genuine

i love surrounding myself with people. i have a way of being able to find the good in anyone. i just have a lot of faith in humanity 

"when two people become a couple, the brain extends its idea of self to include the other, instead of the slender pronoun "I," a plural self emerges who can borrow some of the other's assets and strengths."

love ain't a thing
love is a verb

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much

Gravity is workin' against me

so you should pump this shit, like they do in the future

so now that freshman year is over, it's time to reflect:

this year has definitely been a trying time for me, but all in all it was a good year. i've made mistakes, but i've learned a lot about myself.  i broke things off with a girl i was never meant to be with, i made new, really good friends. most importantly, i learned who my true friends are. and that i definitely made really good friends in high school that i know i'll still be friends with for life.

i'm definitely more confident in my abilities and who i am as a person. i like who i am. i suppose people like me, seeing as everyone always says how nice i am, which definitely makes me feel good

most importantly, i met the girl of my dreams. she makes me really happy, and i couldn't be happier with anyone else <3

also, getting dean's list isn't so bad either

When I was a young boy
I watched my father grow old
But now that I'm older
I'm tryin' to let him go

When you got no one around you
There's no one to let you down

All day long I sat around and watched my old man shrink in the sun

i make mistakes, i fall down. i dust myself off, pick myself up and move on with my life

the end's not near
it's here

i really hope next semester is better

i literally can't fucking do this anymore

Why is life made only for to end?
Why do I do all this waiting then?
Why this frightened part of me that's fated to pretend?
Why is life made only for to end?

I miss you so much it hurts sometimes

i wish summer would last forever. i don't want to have to go back to school in the fall...

college is fucking stupid

sometimes i wish i weren't so motivated to do schoolwork. i wish i were more social and outgoing and went to a better school. but in reality i'm a really shy person and i don't know where i fit in

Yes, I understand that every life must end, aw-huh,..  
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw-huh,..  
Oh I'm a lucky man, to count on both hands the ones I love,..
Some folks just have one, yeah, others, they've got none, huh-uh
 
Stay with me,..  
Let's just breathe.

Did I say that I need you? 
Did I say that I want you? 
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see,.. 
No one knows this more than me. 
As I come clean.

 

i just wanna know that you think about me as much as i think about you.

Now the both of us are colorblind
Cause the other side looks greener
Which leaves your turf in the Boise state
Can't see her play or the team, cuz

Everybody has an addiction; mine happens to be you
And those who say they don't
Souls will later on say to them "that ain't true"

People I've loved
I have no regrets
Some I remember
Some I forget
Some of them living
Some of them dead

All I want is to be home

we're just ordinary people, you and me
time will turn us into statues, eventually

You're my blood, you're my holy wine. You taste so bitter and so sweet. Oh, I could drink a case of you

To transfer schools or to not transfer schools. That is the question. If my dad were here, he'd know the right answer...

I feel like I'm a really needy person

I'm really dreading going back to school in the Fall

today is a bon iver kind of day

Fighting depression has been a nonstop battle for kefir the past year and a half. It's something I struggle with daily, and have trouble wading past all the bullshit. It fucking sucks

I wish it were 5 months ago, that weekend when I first met the girl of my dreams, the girl I knew I was gonna make mine. I wish it were the weekend of December 9th, the most perfect weekend ever. Back when times were simpler

I feel so lost

Dear god, what am I doing with my life?

I know I'm not the only one who has issues, but I just feel so shitty right now. I have a pit in my stomach. Im anxious and I'm not sure why. Sometimes my burdens are too much to bear

As the semester draws to a close, I'm becoming more and more unsure of myself. I really want summer to come to sort my shit out. I'm really nervous about the fall semester...

the end of the school year is so close! only like two and a half weeks left. it's crazy how much stuff has happened in the past 9 months. i think i'm making progress, although it doesn't seem like it sometimes

i really hope everything'll be alright

i still sometimes feel like i'm a burden to those who i love :(

i really wish someone would give me the recipe for a happy life

You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you

Stranded in this spooky town
Stoplights are swaying and the phone lines are down
This floor is crackling cold
She took my heart, I think she took my soul

She makes me ecstatic on a regular basis. She always sticksby my side even though I'm an idiot a lot of the time. I really appreciate her. My soulmate :)

sooo not gonna lie, but my 19th birthday was really great. definitely the best birthday i've had in a while

i'll follow you into the dark.

tomorrow is my fucking birthday. i should be happier about it. i fucking deserve to be happy. but something is eating away at me

having yet another anxiety attack

Today is the last full day before I turn 19 tomorrow. I'm really scared. I don't wanna get old. That's one of my biggest fears actually. With age comes more responsibility an inevitable heartbreak as people leave your life

I just have nooo motivation for school anymore

i'm trying soooo hard in everything i do, but sometimes i feel like i'm not appreciated

tomorrow is my dad's birthday, and it's got me thinking about how much i've changed as a person over the past year and a half. i used to think i was the most worthless piece of shit ever. i would go to school, and see my friends, but i would always think, "what's the point of any of this?" i seriously thought about ending my life. slowly, i was able to pull myself out of this rut

first semester of college was absolute shit for me. i felt lost. but nowadays, i'm feeling a lot better. i'm doing well academically, have supportive friends, and an amazing girlfriend.

i'm doing a lot better, and i'm excited to think about how much things will improve from here. i'm still not over the dead of my dad, and i wish more than anything that he was here, but i'm slowly accepting his death. i'm not sure if i'll ever be done grieving, but i'm progressing

it's the hardest imaginable thing to lose a parent at the age of 17, and having to basically take on more responsibilities while trying to enjoy being a teenager...shit's mad tough sometimes

and i know that if everything around me crumbles, she is the one thing that i will not let go of.

my sister and my friends probably think i'm fucking retarded, but i know with complete certainty that she's the one...nothing has ever felt so right in my life

i fucking hate country music, but i fucking love jamey johnson

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rI83_CTgCmo

she's the only one that can make me experience the whole spectrum of feelings...especially joy

she is the last thing i think about before i fall asleep and the first thing i think of every morning

she accepts me for who i am, embraces all my imperfections and knows how to make me laugh

she helps me up when i fall, and is always there for me

everything we've done is incredibly special, and she's the only girl i've dated that i don't have any regrets about

everytime we say goodbye, it breaks my heart, because i wish we could spend more time together, and the time we get always seems to fly by

she's the pickle to my sandwich, the banana to my monkey, the pepper to my salt, the broccoli to my burger

i think i can say with definite certainty that she's my soulmate 

i fucking love you more than anything, ECI <3 :)

keepin' calm and carryin' on

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

I've come a long way bet the past year and a half. I bottomed out at one point. To be honest, I don't think I would live to my 19th birthday, and it's just a great feeling to be alive. i'm definitely happier now than I ever have been

although i'm struggling, i'd like to think i've come a long way since my dad's death. i used to have suicidal thoughts everyday. for the longest time, i wanted to die in my dad's place. i wanted him to be alive instead of me

i thought i was the most worthless person ever. i used to cry every damn day, wishing he were here

i may not be as happy as i'd like to be, i'm happier than i used to be, and i'm making a lot of progress

i think i know why i've been feeling off...my dad's birthday is coming up on friday the 13th. it fucking sucks knowing he's not here. that the person who has had the biggest impact on my life is fucking gone, and there's nothing more that i want than for him to be here, with me, telling me everything will be ok, and to just push on

i'm struggling 

I watched you as you slept
red arrows fell around us
and before the sea came in
i knew you were the one

i got off the phone with her. now i'm feeling panicky for some reason, and i'm not sure why. i'm feeling anxious and kind of in a rut.

what am i doing with my life?

what do you go home to?

some of my friends can be fucking idiots. they criticize me about my relationship, yet they don't know what true love is.

the feeling of security everytime i'm with her, how all my problems seem to melt away. how i can be real around her, how she listens to all my shit no matter how stupid it is, how she appreciates me and makes me a priority

every little thing she does makes me really happy. i love cooking with her, i love cuddling with her, i love holding hands

when she sleeps next to me, i feel at ease

it's the greatest feeling in the world to know that she appreciates me and makes me a priority

everything we do feels so perfect

i love you, ECI! <3

Go to him, stay with him if you can
But be prepared to bleed

there's been this one memory that's been haunting me the past few days...

back in october, i visited a high school friend at UConn with some of my other high school friends. i got pretty drunk, and at about 3 am, we all went back to my friend's dorm. i was lying down on my friends' roommates' bed, and most of my friends were hanging outside in the hallway. then, my friend Jason walked in, and he lied down on my friends' bed. i had a breakdown and vented to him that i really missed my dad. he asked me, "what would your dad want you to do?" and the first thing that came to my head, which i said outloud was, "kill myself" and then immediately began to cry uncontrollably....

I don't know about my dreams.
I don't know about my dreamin anymore.
All that I know is
I'm fallin, fallin, fallin, fallin.
Might as well fall in

it's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife

can it be summer alreadyyy?! fuckk schoollll

it's hard to believe she's my longest relationship. i'm pretty excited, though, in all honesty. i'm crazy about her. she's the only girl that i've really lost sleep over because i can't stop thinking about her. she's the only girl that makes me feel really great

i love you

ECI <3

"I need you so much closer"

"Baby how I dream of being free since my birth
Cursed but the demons I confronted would disperse 
Have you ever heard of some shit so real  
Beyond from the heart, from the soul you can feel"

 

i can't wait until it gets warmer outside! i miss my fresh J's, my middies and my favorite pair of shorts </3

i've come to realize recently that i've been feeling like my dad. i've been working my ass off and making mad sacrifices to reach my goals. whatever. i just gotta remember that all of this work is for a good cause

i can't fucking lose her...she's too god damn important to me <3

"i tell girls my war stories feeling like my father" - Main Attrakionz

i've had the song "Chuch" stuck in my head allll day today and this line always gets to me. i'm not sure why

i can't stop listening to the song "Wish You Were Here" by Incubus. everytime i hear it, all i think about is me wishing my dad were here. the song makes me really sad.

i remember i listened to this song on my 18th birthday in Disney. we were coming home, and on the bus ride, no one wanted to sit with me. on my fucking birthday. i ended up tearing up. definitely the worst birthday ever

loneliness and despair

i really hope my 19th birthday is better...

sometimes i feel like no matter what i do, it's just not good enough to my family. i'm doing such good work in school. i'm burning myself out for those good grades. and yet, it's not enough. fuck my family

god, i feel so alone sometimes. my family really sucks

my dad is fucking dead. my mom is off in her own little world, and she's really unstable. i hate being around her a lot of the time. my grandma criticizes me a lot. the only one in my family that really gets me is my sister. i love you barbs!

your hands intertwined with mine feel so perfect....just right. i love you ECI <3

when i have kids someday, i want them to have easy lives. because god knows that my life has been filled with struggles and unhappiness. i want to give them everything i could never have

i have way too many responsibilities for an 18 year old. my life is really hard to handle sometimes

A Letter to my Dad

Dear Dad,
it's almost been a year and a half since you passed away, yet it feels like it was just yesterday. i still can't get over the fact that you're gone, and maybe i never will. you left so suddenly, and i never got the chance to say goodbye. there's so much that i wanna tell you. i wish you were here right now. there's so much i wanted to do with you. and now i fucking can't. i wish i had spent more time with you. i feel so guilty that i was off doing my own thing and was off in my own little world so wrapped up on my own life. i never really appreciated the time i spent with you while you were alive. and i've been feeling guilty. so god damn guilty. i just want to make you proud of me. i'm trying to hard but i'm struggling so much. everyday it's the same shit. i feel like you set such high expectations for me, and i can't live up to them. i just need you here right now to tell me that everything will be ok. it's not fair that you had to leave. i'm trying to hard to be happy and to live my own life, but it's so difficult. i may tell everyone that i'm fine, but it's just a facade. some things make me happy, but i feel like i'm drowning sometimes. now i'm sitting here, crying, wishing i could see you. i even miss the little things. like how you would fall asleep on the couch while watching tv, your hand resting inside your collared shirt, or even you telling me family stories and always repeating them. it made me so mad at the time, but now i miss them. i even miss you yelling at me for failing to do something. it was you who pushed me to be the overachiever i am today. i fucking miss you more than anything, big guy.

love always,
your son, Mike

i can't believe i'm giving her everything of mine that i hold dear. i've never shared this much of myself with anyone before. i'm fucking scared shitless.

anxiety. my chest is tightening up. i can't fucking sleep at night anymore. too much shit on my mind

ughh i start my second semester tomorrow, and i'm freaking out. i'm so stressed right now. i can't even deal right now. i'm hyperventalating, and i've been on the verge of tears all afternoon

i had such an amazing winter break. why must good things come to an end?

everything is stressing me out right now. for one, i'm really worried about my workload this semester. i really don't want to be taking 5 classes

second, i'm like stressing about my girlfriend. words cannot describe how much i love her. she just makes me really happy, and she's so amazing. i don't wanna lose her. we've been dating a month, but already i love her more than i felt about any other girl. i'm in love with her. it's like...whoa. she just brightens my day. everyday i spend with her is magical. i love her, and i will do whatever it takes to keep our relationship going

New Year, New Me

my first semester of college wrapped up nicely. i managed to get a 3.92 gpa and made dean's list. things are starting to come together better. I feel happier now, due to me having great friends and a great girlfriend.


it's been awhile since my last post, so there's a lot to talk about

I met an amazing girl last month, and we hit it off right away. we've been dating for a month, now. words cannot describe how incredible she is