I feel like I've grown so much and changed a lot since moving to Colorado, but I still feel like I struggle on a daily basis with my depression and insecurities. I often times feel down, empty and hopeless. I wish my dad were here - I keep telling myself things would be so different if he were alive - that I would be happier, or feel less insecure, but I know that's not the case. I'm definitely in a better place emotionally than even this time last year, but Colorado is definitely testing my resolve and strength. I have setbacks every so often, but I try to pick myself back up again and keep pushing forward. I already feel a change within myself - I feel more comfortable being alone, and being independent, although I just wish I felt more settled here - that I had closer friends and was busier. I know I work a lot, and for long hours, but a part of me keeps thinking I should be doing more (being more active, making more friends, meeting new people, being outdoors more), but I guess I need to stop being so tough on myself - I'm my own biggest critic. I just need to appreciate where I am in my current stage in life I guess. I find it difficult to keep things in perspective sometimes. I know a lot of people have it so much worse than me, but I keep wallowing in my own self pity and bullshit

I just need to appreciate the time of year, the people I'm with, and feel appreciative that it's my favorite time of year. Christmas is right around the corner, and I want to be able to enjoy this beautiful time of year more in such a beautiful state. I couldn't imagine being in Connecticut right now - I'd be at home and probably fucking miserable. Although when I have tough days here, they're really tough, I really appreciate living in Colorado, and I can't see myself living anywhere different for awhile

Went on a date with a great new girl on Saturday. We really connected and I thought that things were going really well. I felt like i immediately knew her and was comfortable with her. I hadn't felt that since I was with Emily. She and I connected immediately on our first day of meeting. If anything, I felt more of a connection with this new girl, Sophie. She and I went for sushi in downtown Boulder and walked around after and then went to her place and talked. We spent 7 hours together. I made plans to see her last night, Wednesday. I was having a really rough week, and the only thing getting me through the week was the thought of seeing her. I was so excited to see her, and she had a surprise planned for me. She drove last night, and we went mini golfing. She treated me, and it was really sweet. We had a great time, or so I thought. We went back to her place after, and we hung out with her roommates and they were grilling me about who I was, and my dating history. I thought it was endearing because they wanted to get to know me. Sophie kept talking about how we needed to go skiing together in the winter, and how we should hang out in the future. When I left, her roommates said "see you soon, Mike!" Which I understood as that i would see Sophie again. She didn't give me a kiss goodbye, but merely a hug. I left feeling anxious and really uneasy for some reason. I got home, and felt like I wanted to cry, because I had a bad feeling about how Sophie and I ended things. I felt empty and alone for some reason. She texted me an hour later and said that although she really likes me and felt a connection, she couldn't see me because she needs to work on herself and figure herself out independently. I was fucking devastated. I could see myself with her, but now that's over, and I'm not sure where to go from here. Not even 24 hours ago, I was so excited to see her, and now I feel so empty and alone. Why is God testing me? What did I do to deserve this pain and suffering? Dating is fucking difficult. I'm putting so much time and energy into this, and not getting any return yet. All I'm getting is heartbreak and heartache. I feel like my heart's been ripped out of my heart, and I'm just sitting here feeling empty, alone and lost. Where do I go from here? How do I go on? I feel so alone and lonely. I love Colorado, but this place is really testing everything about me. It's trying to make me break, but I won't fucking break. I've been through too much to lay down and give up. I'm a goddamn fighter. If I can get through the loss of my father, I can definitely get through this. It'll just take time. I'm more devastated by Sophie than by my break up with Emily. I just really hope this will work out

This morning, I helped coach/walk my kids' soccer game at a local middle school. It was really great seeing them in a new environment, where they weren't stressed out about school. They were so excited to see me, one girl even gave me a hug! It was really endearing and heartwarming. I'm sitting here at Starbucks now, and someone dropped a dime in front of me. I had a weird urge to pick it up, as I do most dimes nowadays, because they're a sign from my father, that he's watching over me. I picked up the dime, and it was head's up! Like all the other dimes I see that remind me of my father. Maybe it's because he's proud of me for working with kids and realizing my passion. He used to coach me in soccer when I was younger (I was never very good! In fact, I hated soccer). Times like these, I miss him the most. A lot of the kids at my game today had support from their mom's and dad's, but I was alone, without anyone. My dad gave me the world growing up, and now I feel as though I have an empty hole in my heart where he once was. I wish one day I could be half the amazing father he was. I'm starting to realize how exhausting work can be, and he never complained about it. He always took the time to take me to different events, and spent copious time with me, always. He was supportive, loving and caring.

The Field - Then It's White (off of Looping State of Mind)