I feel like I only blog whenever I have an issue, or after a long period of time. Granted, it's only been a week and a half since my last post, but that's still a long time! It still amazes me how quickly things change in such a short period of time. I'm just feeling really burnt out from work. I can't wait for Thanksgiving break in 2 weeks! Although I don't want to rush these next two weeks of work, because I should be enjoying it more, and enjoying this season in general. November and December are my two favorite months, and I have such warm feelings about this time of year. I just love the fall, sweater weather, Thanksgiving and Christmas! But I'm also feeling really unsettled because I'm single this year for the holidays, the first time in like 5 years (although I was single for Thanksgiving 2011). But I just guess I feel really unsettled about everything. I wish everything wasn't so transitional this fall. Almost everything in my life has been up in the air since moving to Colorado. And while I've grown a great deal, I still feel like I'm missing that special someone. I definitely am not trying to settle for any girl, but I just wish that I had found someone I could be official with right now. I just guess I'm feeling really lonely recently, at a time when society tells you that you need to spend the holidays with the ones you love and are romantically involved with. It's an unreasonable expectation for me to find someone in such a short period of time, but I feel like I need to!

It's not the worst thing in the world to be single, and I'm so grateful for everything I've been given, and so thankful for this awesome opportunity to live in such a beautiful state. But I can't help but feel so lonely. I hate the feeling of going to bed alone. I just need to keep things in perspective and stop complaining so much about something that's pretty much out of my control.

I went to a workshop yesterday on body-based communication, and it was a really awesome workshop in which the facilitator taught us the importance of show ourselves appreciation rather than criticism. It's so easy to be self-deprecating, but so much more difficult to show ourselves self-love. The key to a good relationship (even one with yourself), is to give 5 compliments to every one criticism. So the facilitator told us every day when we wake up, we need to compliment/ appreciate things we do for ourselves to start our days on a positive and upbeat note and to give us energy and strength. I need to appreciate myself more and keep working on self-care, which I am realizing is so vital and important to my mental well-being

I feel like I've grown so much and changed a lot since moving to Colorado, but I still feel like I struggle on a daily basis with my depression and insecurities. I often times feel down, empty and hopeless. I wish my dad were here - I keep telling myself things would be so different if he were alive - that I would be happier, or feel less insecure, but I know that's not the case. I'm definitely in a better place emotionally than even this time last year, but Colorado is definitely testing my resolve and strength. I have setbacks every so often, but I try to pick myself back up again and keep pushing forward. I already feel a change within myself - I feel more comfortable being alone, and being independent, although I just wish I felt more settled here - that I had closer friends and was busier. I know I work a lot, and for long hours, but a part of me keeps thinking I should be doing more (being more active, making more friends, meeting new people, being outdoors more), but I guess I need to stop being so tough on myself - I'm my own biggest critic. I just need to appreciate where I am in my current stage in life I guess. I find it difficult to keep things in perspective sometimes. I know a lot of people have it so much worse than me, but I keep wallowing in my own self pity and bullshit

I just need to appreciate the time of year, the people I'm with, and feel appreciative that it's my favorite time of year. Christmas is right around the corner, and I want to be able to enjoy this beautiful time of year more in such a beautiful state. I couldn't imagine being in Connecticut right now - I'd be at home and probably fucking miserable. Although when I have tough days here, they're really tough, I really appreciate living in Colorado, and I can't see myself living anywhere different for awhile

Went on a date with a great new girl on Saturday. We really connected and I thought that things were going really well. I felt like i immediately knew her and was comfortable with her. I hadn't felt that since I was with Emily. She and I connected immediately on our first day of meeting. If anything, I felt more of a connection with this new girl, Sophie. She and I went for sushi in downtown Boulder and walked around after and then went to her place and talked. We spent 7 hours together. I made plans to see her last night, Wednesday. I was having a really rough week, and the only thing getting me through the week was the thought of seeing her. I was so excited to see her, and she had a surprise planned for me. She drove last night, and we went mini golfing. She treated me, and it was really sweet. We had a great time, or so I thought. We went back to her place after, and we hung out with her roommates and they were grilling me about who I was, and my dating history. I thought it was endearing because they wanted to get to know me. Sophie kept talking about how we needed to go skiing together in the winter, and how we should hang out in the future. When I left, her roommates said "see you soon, Mike!" Which I understood as that i would see Sophie again. She didn't give me a kiss goodbye, but merely a hug. I left feeling anxious and really uneasy for some reason. I got home, and felt like I wanted to cry, because I had a bad feeling about how Sophie and I ended things. I felt empty and alone for some reason. She texted me an hour later and said that although she really likes me and felt a connection, she couldn't see me because she needs to work on herself and figure herself out independently. I was fucking devastated. I could see myself with her, but now that's over, and I'm not sure where to go from here. Not even 24 hours ago, I was so excited to see her, and now I feel so empty and alone. Why is God testing me? What did I do to deserve this pain and suffering? Dating is fucking difficult. I'm putting so much time and energy into this, and not getting any return yet. All I'm getting is heartbreak and heartache. I feel like my heart's been ripped out of my heart, and I'm just sitting here feeling empty, alone and lost. Where do I go from here? How do I go on? I feel so alone and lonely. I love Colorado, but this place is really testing everything about me. It's trying to make me break, but I won't fucking break. I've been through too much to lay down and give up. I'm a goddamn fighter. If I can get through the loss of my father, I can definitely get through this. It'll just take time. I'm more devastated by Sophie than by my break up with Emily. I just really hope this will work out

This morning, I helped coach/walk my kids' soccer game at a local middle school. It was really great seeing them in a new environment, where they weren't stressed out about school. They were so excited to see me, one girl even gave me a hug! It was really endearing and heartwarming. I'm sitting here at Starbucks now, and someone dropped a dime in front of me. I had a weird urge to pick it up, as I do most dimes nowadays, because they're a sign from my father, that he's watching over me. I picked up the dime, and it was head's up! Like all the other dimes I see that remind me of my father. Maybe it's because he's proud of me for working with kids and realizing my passion. He used to coach me in soccer when I was younger (I was never very good! In fact, I hated soccer). Times like these, I miss him the most. A lot of the kids at my game today had support from their mom's and dad's, but I was alone, without anyone. My dad gave me the world growing up, and now I feel as though I have an empty hole in my heart where he once was. I wish one day I could be half the amazing father he was. I'm starting to realize how exhausting work can be, and he never complained about it. He always took the time to take me to different events, and spent copious time with me, always. He was supportive, loving and caring.

The Field - Then It's White (off of Looping State of Mind)

I'm definitely feeling in a better place about living here and being on my own - both romantically and being so far from everyone I know. I definitely am looking forward to exploring other relationships and meeting new people. I feel like I've been missing something vital with my relationship with my ex. Work is still really tough, and I'm definitely getting adjusted to it still. I struggle with the classroom management aspect of it, and the kids don't always listen to me as much as they should. I know, just like with my other jobs with kids, that I'll get the hang of it. And I definitely need to cut myself some slack and go with the flow more. I'm in such a beautiful state and city, and I really need to appreciate what I'm doing right now. I don't think I want to move back to the east coast at all anymore. I'm really content with being in Colorado

In an effort to help better myself, I have decided that I need to take care of myself better. It's tough for me to put myself first, because I usually tend to put the needs of everyone else ahead of mine. But I definitely need to put myself on top, because my needs and self-care are so crucial to me doing well this year at my new position in Boulder, I love working with kids, and I need to remember that first and foremost, they're the reason I'm doing this job. I want to serve my community and give underprivileged kids the same opportunities I had growing up. I'm so grateful for everything my family has done for me, and I want to help the future generation in any way that I can. I love kids - they're my passion. I feel so grateful for being able to be in such a beautiful place like Boulder. I feel like I worked so hard to get here, and my hard work has finally paid off! I definitely need to try to appreciate my situation more, and make the most of things, and I'm trying my best to do so. Drove up into beautiful Allenspark today, and took a hike near Lily Lake, and went to the lake for a bit to take in the beautiful view. I realized today how grateful I am to be in such a beautiful state. Colorado has been tough so far, but it's been so rewarding with beautiful views, amazing hikes and all around great friends and coworkers. I am so thankful for everything about my experience in Boulder. At first, I didn't like my experience, and it took awhile for me to get used to everything here, but I'm really starting to enjoy it!

It seems like my new theme of "Go west young man!" is slowly being taken over by "The mountains are calling, and I must go." The mountains here are breathtaking and so omnipresent. But everyday that I drive into downtown Boulder, I am still taken aback by their beauty and sheer magnitude. Everything about them is great. I want to be able to explore Colorado this year. I really am starting to love it here. I can't believe I get to call this absolutely beautiful state home!!

I finally fulfilled my dream of moving out to Colorado! I moved into Boulder last week. I guess I had really high expectations of how things would be  - classic. I just guess I felt like Colorado would instantly solve my problems or something, but that's obviously not the case. I just guess I imagined things differently. Boulder can be a hectic place, where everyone drives such nice cars, kind of like my hometown, but different in so many ways. I came out here to be more spiritual, to connect with nature, and find myself more. Who am I? What makes me tick? I guess this year will be a valuable learning experience in self-discovery. I'm looking forward to making new friendships, and fostering old relationships as well. I'm definitely still home-sick though. I miss my dogs and my family - my home and my room. But I need to be appreciative of everything I do have, because this is definitely something I've always wanted for many years now, and I think it'll be a valuable experience! I'll learn how to be more independent, as well. It'll be a great opportunity to grow and change as a person.

I just wish that my dad were here with me to experience Colorado. He would have loved it out here. He loved exploring and experiencing new places. He would be so proud of me. I just wish he were physically here to experience this with me, but I always carry him on my back with me. It's hard to believe that this October will be 5 years since he passed away. 5 years. Half a decade. I just wish he were here so badly. I miss him so much. He would have loved the beautiful drive into Estes Park, the beautiful Flatiron mountains, the small towns in northern Colorado, the school I'll be working in. I just hope that he's proud of the man I am today. He was always so supportive, nurturing and on top of everything - he always knew where to go on vacations, and always had everything planned out. He knew everything he was doing at all times. He's my hero, my role model. I just wish one day that I'll be half the man that he was. Sure he had his flaws, but to me, he was superman. He and I didn't always see eye to eye, and he always had such high expectations, but he was the best dad I could ever ask for