"fall
in love
with your solitude"
- rupi kaur
Monday, March 5, 2018
I give everyone my everything, all the time. I help people realize their dreams and passions. I help people see the importance of family and help them cherish their loved ones. I help them see the good in all situations and to cherish every day.
Yet when I give others pieces of myself, I lose pieces of myself in the process. I give and I give. I empty myself and others don't seem to give a damn. They don't nourish me. They don't sustain me. So I end up feeling increasingly empty and void of any passion I once had for life.
"you give and give till
they pull everything out of you
and leave you empty"
- rupi kaur
Yet when I give others pieces of myself, I lose pieces of myself in the process. I give and I give. I empty myself and others don't seem to give a damn. They don't nourish me. They don't sustain me. So I end up feeling increasingly empty and void of any passion I once had for life.
"you give and give till
they pull everything out of you
and leave you empty"
- rupi kaur
J Cole once rapped that "there's beauty in the struggle."
I wish that I could believe that. If that were the case, my life would be the most beautiful thing you've ever seen.
Today is a very triggering day for me. One year ago today, I was getting ready to leave CT for CO, after my 2.5 week vacation, that wasn't even a vacation at all. I was struggling. I would say I was spiraling downwards. Hard. It was the second toughest time of my life, right after the passing of my dad. I was sitting in Rizzuto's (one of my favorite Italian spots) in my hometown with my family, and I was tearing up, thinking about how badly I wanted to end my life. I just felt like I couldn't go on anymore. And then I looked at my niece. And I felt so stupid for thinking that. For wanting to leave her. She's such a great kid, one of the reasons I keep getting up every day. I couldn't leave her, wondering why I left her. I just couldn't do it. A few weeks after I got back, I got a lady-head tattoo on the back of my left arm, to symbolize her, the women I've hurt, and to always remember to keep fighting for my life.
I flew back to CO that night, and Jackie picked me up from the airport. She was waiting for me inside the terminal, at the top of the escalator. If I didn't despise her, it could have been romantic. That was the last night we were together as a couple. She drove us to her apartment in Greenwood Village, and I spent the night there. I just remember thinking I didn't want to be with her. She was supportive, but really mean to me. I didn't deserve to be treated badly by her. I was also at a very strange spot in my life to have wanted to be with her. I was just so down all the time.
I feel like I'm so haunted by my past. I've made so many mistakes since I moved out to CO. It's ridiculous. While my peers were focusing on their careers and lining their pockets with excess cash, I was floundering financially (I'm a little better off these days, but honestly not by much). I was on food stamps (as were all the other AC's in my program). I focused on being with women. I've been on over 30 first dates. That's all I really wanted to do, honestly. Just date. I was known among my coworkers as a player and a playboy. I loved the attention. I loved sharing my stories. But they were all empty, meaningless. Because at the end of the day, I ended up getting hurt (in many ways, irreparably) or hurting the women I dated, and feeling nothing.
I felt nothing. I oftentimes still feel nothing in my life.
But I'm a survivor, I guess. I keep going on, for whatever reason. But why? What is life?
I was talking to one of my best friends, Bobby, earlier today, just pondering why life is so unfair. Why is it that bad things happen to good people? And why do those bad things keep happening? Why is it that the shitty people often have the best luck in life? I hate that. What's God's plan? Why do good people suffer while bad ones prosper?
Why do I keep getting shafted in life? It just seems like nothing has been going my way, pretty much all of my life.
It's so hard for me to feel happiness for others' successes. I just feign joy, when in actuality, I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing (which is generally how I feel most days). I just sit back and wonder, when's it going to be my turn? And then I remember, "never, Michael! You're not supposed to have nice things in your life."
I wish that I could believe that. If that were the case, my life would be the most beautiful thing you've ever seen.
Today is a very triggering day for me. One year ago today, I was getting ready to leave CT for CO, after my 2.5 week vacation, that wasn't even a vacation at all. I was struggling. I would say I was spiraling downwards. Hard. It was the second toughest time of my life, right after the passing of my dad. I was sitting in Rizzuto's (one of my favorite Italian spots) in my hometown with my family, and I was tearing up, thinking about how badly I wanted to end my life. I just felt like I couldn't go on anymore. And then I looked at my niece. And I felt so stupid for thinking that. For wanting to leave her. She's such a great kid, one of the reasons I keep getting up every day. I couldn't leave her, wondering why I left her. I just couldn't do it. A few weeks after I got back, I got a lady-head tattoo on the back of my left arm, to symbolize her, the women I've hurt, and to always remember to keep fighting for my life.
I flew back to CO that night, and Jackie picked me up from the airport. She was waiting for me inside the terminal, at the top of the escalator. If I didn't despise her, it could have been romantic. That was the last night we were together as a couple. She drove us to her apartment in Greenwood Village, and I spent the night there. I just remember thinking I didn't want to be with her. She was supportive, but really mean to me. I didn't deserve to be treated badly by her. I was also at a very strange spot in my life to have wanted to be with her. I was just so down all the time.
I feel like I'm so haunted by my past. I've made so many mistakes since I moved out to CO. It's ridiculous. While my peers were focusing on their careers and lining their pockets with excess cash, I was floundering financially (I'm a little better off these days, but honestly not by much). I was on food stamps (as were all the other AC's in my program). I focused on being with women. I've been on over 30 first dates. That's all I really wanted to do, honestly. Just date. I was known among my coworkers as a player and a playboy. I loved the attention. I loved sharing my stories. But they were all empty, meaningless. Because at the end of the day, I ended up getting hurt (in many ways, irreparably) or hurting the women I dated, and feeling nothing.
I felt nothing. I oftentimes still feel nothing in my life.
But I'm a survivor, I guess. I keep going on, for whatever reason. But why? What is life?
I was talking to one of my best friends, Bobby, earlier today, just pondering why life is so unfair. Why is it that bad things happen to good people? And why do those bad things keep happening? Why is it that the shitty people often have the best luck in life? I hate that. What's God's plan? Why do good people suffer while bad ones prosper?
Why do I keep getting shafted in life? It just seems like nothing has been going my way, pretty much all of my life.
It's so hard for me to feel happiness for others' successes. I just feign joy, when in actuality, I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing (which is generally how I feel most days). I just sit back and wonder, when's it going to be my turn? And then I remember, "never, Michael! You're not supposed to have nice things in your life."