Ladies, you need to learn that your actions have fucking consequences. Us gentlemen are not going to wait around for you. If you're going to be an asshole, I'll just be an asshole right back. I have no problem saying I don't want to see you tonight if I feel like you've wronged me.

I've been trapped in my mind girl, just holding on

Relationships are tough, family. It's been hard for me to get back into the swing of things and really put myself out there emotionally.  You could be sitting there and say to me, "but Michael, you're always in a relationship!" And I would retort by saying "I've been in relationships that have made me feel so alone and alienated, and I've also been single for awhile throughout my life."

I'm selfish, I'm vindictive, I test. That's just who I am. I've learned so many self-destructive lessons by being with her. She fucked me up so much when we were together. I just have so much baggage, trust issues and doubt because of her. I can't seem to let my guard down. I'm anxious and angry. Hurt and destroyed. But I'm building myself back up. But it's taking so much more time than I thought. A year after we broke up, I'm still struggling to find myself again. I'm still learning to find what makes me tick. I'm re-learning who I am. My insecurities. It's hard being introspective sometimes, you know?

But I also feel so ridiculously insecure in my current relationship. I just feel so spiteful and vindictive all the time. I just can't seem to hold it all together. Oh you don't want to see me? That's fine. Fuck you. You can just go to bed alone, and miss out on seeing me. I'm a fucking man-dime, I'm fucking amazing.

Yet another part of myself gets down on myself.

I'm selfish and jealous. This is me. This is all of me. Raw, emotional and unapologetically myself. I'm a shitty dude. A selfish asshole. And that's who I became when I moved out here, after all the heartbreak and turmoil, I became callous. I became bitter and mean. And I hate how this is who I am nowadays. It's been hard to save myself, and I think I need a lot of saving.

I'm just so jealous and vindictive. I used to be a nice and naive kid back in the day,  full of life and hope. And then all of these women came around, and they kept taking pieces of me. They were remorseless and selfish. They took and took and took. One girl after another. They chipped away at the nice guy I was until I was left with nothing. And to get back, I became mean to women, a misogynist. I became a flirt and a cool, Casanova-type figure. I became really tattooed, with slicked back hair. A debonair. I hurt women for amusement, I hurt women just because I could. I led them on, with false promises of relationships. Because that's the type of vibe I give off apparently. The vibe that I'm a stable dude who can commit. But little did they all know that I was leading them on, just for my own amusement. Just so I could have sex with them. To rack up my numbers of girls I've slept with.

Each girl I hurt was cathartic. Me getting even, me getting square with the universe. But I became a worse person. I turned into that asshole that I once idolized in high school. The cool asshole jock who always got the girl. I looked up to that guy heavily, and then I became that guy. And sometimes I look in the mirror and I can't even recognize the man I've become.

I hurt women. I test girls I date to see if they can live up to my high standards. I'm an asshole when I don't get my way or when I'm inconvenienced.  It's easier for me this way. I might be hurting myself, but it's easier. It's hard to be vulnerable and put other people in front of my own needs.

EDM: The Downfall of Western Civ

So I guess it really dawned on me last night how terrible of a form of music EDM is. Can we even call it music? As a genre, it attracts vapid, young white youths who are basic at heart and bring nothing to the table intellectually. If you genuinely enjoy EDM as an adult, you’re probably stunted emotionally or mentally. I outgrew this form of generic and popular music when I was 18 or 19, and I think that’s pretty telling. People who enjoy EDM probably think it’s catchy, or has cool beats. But the concerts are nothing but breeding grounds of degenerate white kids. Creating beats on a drum machine is easy. These artists just sit behind keyboards. That’s not really talent, it’s pushing buttons. A classically trainer animal can do that. Oh you think it’s so cool and edgy that kids fall in love, Kygo? And you’re going to title your tour “Kids in Love?” That’s neat. The themes are banal. If you want to explore love, and loss, read some classic literature. If you feel alienated, pick up some Salinger. If you want to be immersed in nature or the wild outdoors, read Steinbeck, Frost or Hemingway. If you want raw emotions, read some of Rupi Kaur’s poetry.

Does an adult who likes EDM really know of the complexities or intricacies of life? I just feel like they don’t truly know what life has to offer. It’s easy to hide behind catchy tunes and designer drugs. But life is hard, and should be dealt with a sober and clear mind. By opening your eyes and your heart you can witness so much. Life is experienced through good music, through literature, through experience. Life is full of love and loss and death and rebirth. Life is not something that can easily be explained by simple themes. EDM artists are just kids. What do they know about life?

To my pops:

Happy 62nd birthday. I wish you were here to see me. It’s still so weird to think about you not being here. A part of me feels like it’s been only a few years. But here we are, almost 8 years since you’ve passed. Where has all the time gone? As the years go by, I’m realizing more and more how much you did for me growing up. I guess I didn’t appreciate it at the time, but I sure as shit am figuring things out as an adult. You had so much patience, and really put your best foot forward in everything you did. You always worked such long days, and when you came home you would still have the energy to read to me or help me with my homework. It still amazes me how many activities we did together. You always valued doing things together and spending time together. Just even thinking about working right now, I feel so exhausted after work and I feel like I always complain about shit. But you never complained. I feel like you took everything in stride. I know that you were stressed about money and always worrying about the small details, but it always felt like you were my hero. I looked up to you so much. And I still do. It just seems like my life is getting tougher and tougher and it’s so hard to not have you around. With all this increased responsibility, I just can’t seem to handle life as well, i guess. I just am finding myself more and more fed up and annoyed. I just miss you so much. I’ve been really missing you a lot recently. I just feel like life is difficult without you here. Life’s so tough without having a father like you to be by my side. And I guess it just seems like life is getting tougher, and I’m not sure what to do anymore. I have to be my own source of stability, doing things on my own, and that’s been really scary. I just wish you were here to give me some guidance, to have a laugh and a meal with me. I wish for that more than anything. But I know that you’re in a better place right now, where you don’t have to worry about that pain and suffering anymore. And one day i hope to be reunited with you. Life is so painful, dad. And I guess you would know that. I hope that you’ve found peace. Finally. I hope that you’re not worrying about anything. I hope that you’re happy. I hope that you’re resting easy. I miss you a lot, pops. Thanks for everything. Thanks for still supporting me every day. I love you