Trust no hoes

Depression and obsession don't mix well

I'm used to you being a fucking disappointment

Fuck you

Do you care or notice when I don't sleep? Do you see the constant bags under my eyes? How absolutely tired and drained I look? Do you even care that those bad dreams are about you? Or do you just brush everything off in an aloof manner? Or how about the way I sometimes turn my back on you in bed? Do you know that that's intentional?

Do you notice? Can you pick up on my cues or are you oblivious? I'm clearly crying out for your attention, but sometimes you don't even notice.

Or do you notice when I get mad? The way I tense up, or get quiet? Do you even care about me? Do you love me enough to want to take me away from all of my pain and anguish?

You're so selfish sometimes, and I don't think you even notice it. The way you don't text me back as much anymore, the way you scarf down your food and that one time you just reached your fork onto my plate and snatched up my salad.

Do you know that I have food insecurities? Do you know that because I was on food stamps when I was an AmeriCorps that I would sometimes go to bed hungry?

Food is important for me and I feel like you can be selfish with it. Do you really know me that well?

The way that you don't apologize for anything. When you bump into me and I say ouch, the way that you just sometimes do whatever you want and expect me to be okay with it.

The fucking fact that you're always on your phone but get mad at me when I'm on mine? Or when I know you have your phone on you and you just don't text back?

Do you care that I'm always on the precipice of spiraling downward? Do you know that I'm this close to feeling like I want to end my life again?

DO YOU FUCKING KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME

Do you know that your substance abuse is what can trigger me so hard? Do you even know this? I keep telling you and telling you, but it seems like it's in one ear and out the other with you.

You just choose to not see it as an issue because it's not an issue within yourself. But it's an issue with us. You're causing me pain right in the very moment. But you just choose to ignore it. Like you choose to ignore your emotional problems.

It feels so fucking good to post this right now. Holy shit.

I feel so bitter and vindictive. I've finally become her. She was so spiteful. Always saying, "no, no, no. I'll never talk to you/see you again." I feel that bitterness bubbling up to the surface every day. Like damn, I've finally become her.

She wrecked me. Ruined me. I had to pick up all of the pieces of my life after we ended everything. I gave her everything and then I ruined myself in the process. It took me so long to rebuild myself from nothing. And even now I still feel so fucked up mentally and emotionally. I'm not whole. I never will be. I haven't been since when I was 17. And even less when I was 23. Now that I'm 25, I feel so shitty. Where did my life go? Was this where I thought I would be when I was this age?

I guess I didn't care that you drank before, when we first started dating. But the more emotionally invested I became, the more I cared. Because I brought you into my life. Broke down my walls for you. Let you into my sacred kingdom. Something I've never done before. I didn't care as much before because I could be guarded, but now I'm not. I'm so vulnerable. I've given you my everything. You say it doesn't affect me, that it's independent of our relationship, but it isn't. I gave up cigarettes for us, to prevent your dying early from second hand smoke. To prevent my early death so we can raise a family together. I did it for you, for us. But drinking isn't something I can budge on. I don't want to feel so hopeless and not prioritized, like in every other relationship. Every girlfriend before you has chose something over me. I've never been a priority. I want you to want me, not to want substances. I want you to truly love me enough to not really want to do that anymore. Because I've worked on myself, and I want to live. I don't want to feel like I want to kill myself anymore. And that's exactly how I've felt when I've not been prioritized over substances, and how I'm starting to feel again. Please  please please be gentle with me. I'm so fragile and so easy to break. Please don't break me.

Because I'm worried this is my last chance. That if I'm broken one last time, that's it for my life. 

I need your help so badly. Please be there for me.

My life is finally something worth living for.




I am a home made out of glass. Please be gentle with me.

I should have seen the signs. You're different. Do you love me still? I've been feeling so hurt recently, so anxious, so alone. Where's the love? I feel like it's disappearing. Where are all of the cuddles? I feel so alone sleeping next to you. I'm craving your physical touch. Needing it. Where are you? You're here, but you're really not. Do you love me?

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you

Thoughts racing. My breathing's rapid. Where are you? Are you thinking about me?