Sometimes I just want to slit my fucking wrists. Meanwhile you’re downstairs playing cards. And this is why I have abandonment issues

The Big Sleep

Sometimes I just want to kill myself. To end the pain, to greet Death like an old friend. I think I'm ready

I feel empty and numb sometimes. I just don't really feel much anymore these days. What is life. Just feeling lost and alone

Anxiety and feeling sick to my stomach. Fuck all of this. Fuck everyone

Trust no hoes

Depression and obsession don't mix well

I'm used to you being a fucking disappointment

Fuck you

Do you care or notice when I don't sleep? Do you see the constant bags under my eyes? How absolutely tired and drained I look? Do you even care that those bad dreams are about you? Or do you just brush everything off in an aloof manner? Or how about the way I sometimes turn my back on you in bed? Do you know that that's intentional?

Do you notice? Can you pick up on my cues or are you oblivious? I'm clearly crying out for your attention, but sometimes you don't even notice.

Or do you notice when I get mad? The way I tense up, or get quiet? Do you even care about me? Do you love me enough to want to take me away from all of my pain and anguish?

You're so selfish sometimes, and I don't think you even notice it. The way you don't text me back as much anymore, the way you scarf down your food and that one time you just reached your fork onto my plate and snatched up my salad.

Do you know that I have food insecurities? Do you know that because I was on food stamps when I was an AmeriCorps that I would sometimes go to bed hungry?

Food is important for me and I feel like you can be selfish with it. Do you really know me that well?

The way that you don't apologize for anything. When you bump into me and I say ouch, the way that you just sometimes do whatever you want and expect me to be okay with it.

The fucking fact that you're always on your phone but get mad at me when I'm on mine? Or when I know you have your phone on you and you just don't text back?

Do you care that I'm always on the precipice of spiraling downward? Do you know that I'm this close to feeling like I want to end my life again?

DO YOU FUCKING KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME

Do you know that your substance abuse is what can trigger me so hard? Do you even know this? I keep telling you and telling you, but it seems like it's in one ear and out the other with you.

You just choose to not see it as an issue because it's not an issue within yourself. But it's an issue with us. You're causing me pain right in the very moment. But you just choose to ignore it. Like you choose to ignore your emotional problems.

It feels so fucking good to post this right now. Holy shit.

I feel so bitter and vindictive. I've finally become her. She was so spiteful. Always saying, "no, no, no. I'll never talk to you/see you again." I feel that bitterness bubbling up to the surface every day. Like damn, I've finally become her.

She wrecked me. Ruined me. I had to pick up all of the pieces of my life after we ended everything. I gave her everything and then I ruined myself in the process. It took me so long to rebuild myself from nothing. And even now I still feel so fucked up mentally and emotionally. I'm not whole. I never will be. I haven't been since when I was 17. And even less when I was 23. Now that I'm 25, I feel so shitty. Where did my life go? Was this where I thought I would be when I was this age?

I guess I didn't care that you drank before, when we first started dating. But the more emotionally invested I became, the more I cared. Because I brought you into my life. Broke down my walls for you. Let you into my sacred kingdom. Something I've never done before. I didn't care as much before because I could be guarded, but now I'm not. I'm so vulnerable. I've given you my everything. You say it doesn't affect me, that it's independent of our relationship, but it isn't. I gave up cigarettes for us, to prevent your dying early from second hand smoke. To prevent my early death so we can raise a family together. I did it for you, for us. But drinking isn't something I can budge on. I don't want to feel so hopeless and not prioritized, like in every other relationship. Every girlfriend before you has chose something over me. I've never been a priority. I want you to want me, not to want substances. I want you to truly love me enough to not really want to do that anymore. Because I've worked on myself, and I want to live. I don't want to feel like I want to kill myself anymore. And that's exactly how I've felt when I've not been prioritized over substances, and how I'm starting to feel again. Please  please please be gentle with me. I'm so fragile and so easy to break. Please don't break me.

Because I'm worried this is my last chance. That if I'm broken one last time, that's it for my life. 

I need your help so badly. Please be there for me.

My life is finally something worth living for.




I am a home made out of glass. Please be gentle with me.

I should have seen the signs. You're different. Do you love me still? I've been feeling so hurt recently, so anxious, so alone. Where's the love? I feel like it's disappearing. Where are all of the cuddles? I feel so alone sleeping next to you. I'm craving your physical touch. Needing it. Where are you? You're here, but you're really not. Do you love me?

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you

Thoughts racing. My breathing's rapid. Where are you? Are you thinking about me?

Sometimes I feel the most alone when I’m sleeping next to you.

Here's why I like getting women tattooed on me:

They only bleed once
They can't talk
And they're with you forever.

Unlike most women

"All I know is pain, surviving on my own"

I'm a fucking lone wolf. It's been this way ever since I moved out here. I've had to fend for myself and do everything on my own. It's so hard for me to be around people these days. I'm so antisocial. I hate everyone. Everyone sucks. Everyone's selfish and self-motivated.

Where are the real people at?

It's become so easy for me to be so self-destructive and hurt people in the process if I feel like I've been wronged. I just really need to get out of that mentality though. I'm always so fucking oppositional because I've been so wronged by so many people. So I learned to become bitter, vindictive, and just an all-around asshole. It's easier to be callous. It's easier to not feel. But I just feel like I'm hurting myself in the process still.

I hate living this way sometimes. I just really wanna settle down and stop all this little kid shit.

Ladies, you need to learn that your actions have fucking consequences. Us gentlemen are not going to wait around for you. If you're going to be an asshole, I'll just be an asshole right back. I have no problem saying I don't want to see you tonight if I feel like you've wronged me.

I've been trapped in my mind girl, just holding on

Relationships are tough, family. It's been hard for me to get back into the swing of things and really put myself out there emotionally.  You could be sitting there and say to me, "but Michael, you're always in a relationship!" And I would retort by saying "I've been in relationships that have made me feel so alone and alienated, and I've also been single for awhile throughout my life."

I'm selfish, I'm vindictive, I test. That's just who I am. I've learned so many self-destructive lessons by being with her. She fucked me up so much when we were together. I just have so much baggage, trust issues and doubt because of her. I can't seem to let my guard down. I'm anxious and angry. Hurt and destroyed. But I'm building myself back up. But it's taking so much more time than I thought. A year after we broke up, I'm still struggling to find myself again. I'm still learning to find what makes me tick. I'm re-learning who I am. My insecurities. It's hard being introspective sometimes, you know?

But I also feel so ridiculously insecure in my current relationship. I just feel so spiteful and vindictive all the time. I just can't seem to hold it all together. Oh you don't want to see me? That's fine. Fuck you. You can just go to bed alone, and miss out on seeing me. I'm a fucking man-dime, I'm fucking amazing.

Yet another part of myself gets down on myself.

I'm selfish and jealous. This is me. This is all of me. Raw, emotional and unapologetically myself. I'm a shitty dude. A selfish asshole. And that's who I became when I moved out here, after all the heartbreak and turmoil, I became callous. I became bitter and mean. And I hate how this is who I am nowadays. It's been hard to save myself, and I think I need a lot of saving.

I'm just so jealous and vindictive. I used to be a nice and naive kid back in the day,  full of life and hope. And then all of these women came around, and they kept taking pieces of me. They were remorseless and selfish. They took and took and took. One girl after another. They chipped away at the nice guy I was until I was left with nothing. And to get back, I became mean to women, a misogynist. I became a flirt and a cool, Casanova-type figure. I became really tattooed, with slicked back hair. A debonair. I hurt women for amusement, I hurt women just because I could. I led them on, with false promises of relationships. Because that's the type of vibe I give off apparently. The vibe that I'm a stable dude who can commit. But little did they all know that I was leading them on, just for my own amusement. Just so I could have sex with them. To rack up my numbers of girls I've slept with.

Each girl I hurt was cathartic. Me getting even, me getting square with the universe. But I became a worse person. I turned into that asshole that I once idolized in high school. The cool asshole jock who always got the girl. I looked up to that guy heavily, and then I became that guy. And sometimes I look in the mirror and I can't even recognize the man I've become.

I hurt women. I test girls I date to see if they can live up to my high standards. I'm an asshole when I don't get my way or when I'm inconvenienced.  It's easier for me this way. I might be hurting myself, but it's easier. It's hard to be vulnerable and put other people in front of my own needs.

EDM: The Downfall of Western Civ

So I guess it really dawned on me last night how terrible of a form of music EDM is. Can we even call it music? As a genre, it attracts vapid, young white youths who are basic at heart and bring nothing to the table intellectually. If you genuinely enjoy EDM as an adult, you’re probably stunted emotionally or mentally. I outgrew this form of generic and popular music when I was 18 or 19, and I think that’s pretty telling. People who enjoy EDM probably think it’s catchy, or has cool beats. But the concerts are nothing but breeding grounds of degenerate white kids. Creating beats on a drum machine is easy. These artists just sit behind keyboards. That’s not really talent, it’s pushing buttons. A classically trainer animal can do that. Oh you think it’s so cool and edgy that kids fall in love, Kygo? And you’re going to title your tour “Kids in Love?” That’s neat. The themes are banal. If you want to explore love, and loss, read some classic literature. If you feel alienated, pick up some Salinger. If you want to be immersed in nature or the wild outdoors, read Steinbeck, Frost or Hemingway. If you want raw emotions, read some of Rupi Kaur’s poetry.

Does an adult who likes EDM really know of the complexities or intricacies of life? I just feel like they don’t truly know what life has to offer. It’s easy to hide behind catchy tunes and designer drugs. But life is hard, and should be dealt with a sober and clear mind. By opening your eyes and your heart you can witness so much. Life is experienced through good music, through literature, through experience. Life is full of love and loss and death and rebirth. Life is not something that can easily be explained by simple themes. EDM artists are just kids. What do they know about life?

To my pops:

Happy 62nd birthday. I wish you were here to see me. It’s still so weird to think about you not being here. A part of me feels like it’s been only a few years. But here we are, almost 8 years since you’ve passed. Where has all the time gone? As the years go by, I’m realizing more and more how much you did for me growing up. I guess I didn’t appreciate it at the time, but I sure as shit am figuring things out as an adult. You had so much patience, and really put your best foot forward in everything you did. You always worked such long days, and when you came home you would still have the energy to read to me or help me with my homework. It still amazes me how many activities we did together. You always valued doing things together and spending time together. Just even thinking about working right now, I feel so exhausted after work and I feel like I always complain about shit. But you never complained. I feel like you took everything in stride. I know that you were stressed about money and always worrying about the small details, but it always felt like you were my hero. I looked up to you so much. And I still do. It just seems like my life is getting tougher and tougher and it’s so hard to not have you around. With all this increased responsibility, I just can’t seem to handle life as well, i guess. I just am finding myself more and more fed up and annoyed. I just miss you so much. I’ve been really missing you a lot recently. I just feel like life is difficult without you here. Life’s so tough without having a father like you to be by my side. And I guess it just seems like life is getting tougher, and I’m not sure what to do anymore. I have to be my own source of stability, doing things on my own, and that’s been really scary. I just wish you were here to give me some guidance, to have a laugh and a meal with me. I wish for that more than anything. But I know that you’re in a better place right now, where you don’t have to worry about that pain and suffering anymore. And one day i hope to be reunited with you. Life is so painful, dad. And I guess you would know that. I hope that you’ve found peace. Finally. I hope that you’re not worrying about anything. I hope that you’re happy. I hope that you’re resting easy. I miss you a lot, pops. Thanks for everything. Thanks for still supporting me every day. I love you

"fall
in love
with your solitude"

- rupi kaur

I give everyone my everything, all the time. I help people realize their dreams and passions. I help people see the importance of family and help them cherish their loved ones. I help them see the good in all situations and to cherish every day.

Yet when I give others pieces of myself, I lose pieces of myself in the process. I give and I give. I empty myself and others don't seem to give a damn. They don't nourish me. They don't sustain me. So I end up feeling increasingly empty and void of any passion I once had for life.

"you give and give till
they pull everything out of you
and leave you empty"

- rupi kaur

"your heart is fractured but it's still valuable"
- r.h. Sin

J Cole once rapped that "there's beauty in the struggle."

I wish that I could believe that. If that were the case, my life would be the most beautiful thing you've ever seen.

Today is a very triggering day for me. One year ago today, I was getting ready to leave CT for CO, after my 2.5 week vacation, that wasn't even a vacation at all. I was struggling. I would say I was spiraling downwards. Hard. It was the second toughest time of my life, right after the passing of my dad. I was sitting in Rizzuto's (one of my favorite Italian spots) in my hometown with my family, and I was tearing up, thinking about how badly I wanted to end my life. I just felt like I couldn't go on anymore. And then I looked at my niece. And I felt so stupid for thinking that. For wanting to leave her. She's such a great kid, one of the reasons I keep getting up every day. I couldn't leave her, wondering why I left her. I just couldn't do it. A few weeks after I got back, I got a lady-head tattoo on the back of my left arm, to symbolize her, the women I've hurt, and to always remember to keep fighting for my life.

I flew back to CO that night, and Jackie picked me up from the airport. She was waiting for me inside the terminal, at the top of the escalator. If I didn't despise her, it could have been romantic. That was the last night we were together as a couple. She drove us to her apartment in Greenwood Village, and I spent the night there. I just remember thinking I didn't want to be with her. She was supportive, but really mean to me. I didn't deserve to be treated badly by her. I was also at a very strange spot in my life to have wanted to be with her. I was just so down all the time.

I feel like I'm so haunted by my past. I've made so many mistakes since I moved out to CO. It's ridiculous. While my peers were focusing on their careers and lining their pockets with excess cash, I was floundering financially (I'm a little better off these days, but honestly not by much). I was on food stamps (as were all the other AC's in my program). I focused on being with women. I've been on over 30 first dates. That's all I really wanted to do, honestly. Just date. I was known among my coworkers as a player and a playboy. I loved the attention. I loved sharing my stories. But they were all empty, meaningless. Because at the end of the day, I ended up getting hurt (in many ways, irreparably) or hurting the women I dated, and feeling nothing.

I felt nothing. I oftentimes still feel nothing in my life.

But I'm a survivor, I guess. I keep going on, for whatever reason. But why? What is life?

I was talking to one of my best friends, Bobby, earlier today, just pondering why life is so unfair. Why is it that bad things happen to good people? And why do those bad things keep happening? Why is it that the shitty people often have the best luck in life? I hate that. What's God's plan? Why do good people suffer while bad ones prosper?


Why do I keep getting shafted in life? It just seems like nothing has been going my way, pretty much all of my life.

It's so hard for me to feel happiness for others' successes. I just feign joy, when in actuality, I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing (which is generally how I feel most days). I just sit back and wonder, when's it going to be my turn? And then I remember, "never, Michael! You're not supposed to have nice things in your life."

I don't think happiness exists. For myself, anyway. I think that out of a scale of 100%, people generally are content at an 85% (my understanding of life, anyway). I say this because not everything in life runs smoothly, and set-backs, disappointments and sadness bring down the percentage. 

If most people can be happy around 85% of the time, let's say being content, or somewhere in the middle of being completely miserable and happy is 60%. Contentment in the sense of things being status quo, your ability to handle adversity, etc.

I think for me personally, I run at about 30-40% on a daily basis. I just feel unhappy, and miserable. I'm tired of adversity, of things just always having to be an uphill battle for me. I just wish things would come easily for me, for once in my life. 

In thinking about my own happiness, I don't think I've really felt content since I was 15. I think that's when I started being preoccupied about what girls thought of me, and I very much so intertwined that with my self-worth. If a girl didn't like me, then I didn't like myself. And that kind of rationalization went on for awhile. I felt unattractive, unwanted, ugly. Things just started getting harder from there. Heartbreak and heartache abounded. 

I think I lived a sheltered life, and that was shattered with my first relationship. I think I learned about the cruelty of this life and that heartbreak is one of the worst things to feel. Looking back on it, I had a very naive conception of what love was. 

I think the harshness of this world came to light with the passing of my dad when I was 17. He held our family together and in many ways protected me from the cruel realities of this world. I was sheltered from alcohol and drug abuse, from cigarettes, from cheating and being unfaithful. All of these things I had to deal with and learn about from my own personal experiences later in life. 

But I digress. I had to watch my dad die right in front of me. I remember it was a Friday afternoon, right around 2 pm. I remember that was when I first began to tumble into depression, a hole I still haven't been able to get out of, honestly. I started doubting my faith in a higher power. What kind of god would take away a loving and wholesome man from a boy? What kind of god would take the life of a healthy man, who used to run track, who never ate any fried food in his life? How would I ever pick up the pieces of my shattered life? How would I ever live a somewhat normal life? Truth is, life was never the same after. I started drinking, I began thinking about killing myself. A lot. I tried to take my own life a couple of times when I was 18. I wanted so badly to end my life, to end the suffering, the feel the sweet relief of death.