The day after I had counted down

All of your breaths
Down until there were none
A hummingbird crashed right
in front of me and I understood
all you did for us.
You gave, and gave, and gave, and gave.

Ohhh, every night I ask myself
Am I giving enough?
Am I?

while i was in the library today, i had the weirdest sense of deja vu. i had some flashbacks from high school, and how it eerily coincided with some events i noticed today.

for instance, every time i go to my child rights class, i feel like i'm being transported to my intro to sociology i took as a senior in high school, where there were only 3 guys and we barely spoke up. in my current class, there are 6 guys and 30 girls.

and how recently i've been obsessed with the book "the catcher in the rye" which was my favorite book when i first read it sophomore year in high school

and much like sophomore year in high school, i can't seem to have the pieces click and i ended up hanging out with only one or two friends, much like my current situation

it sucks how things come full circle and i realize that i'm not nearly at the place i want to be physically emotionally and mentally

i wish i were able to work out more and that i think i had a better physique in high school

i guess god is testing me or something. maybe i need to learn from my mistakes or something, but i'm sick of feeling sorry for myself and this crippling depression i succumb to. 

so here i sit here, by myself, like usual, and i find myself absolutely and unequivocally alone emotionally. i feel like i can't connect with my new friends on a deeper level and it makes me feel anxious. it's like pulling teeth to have a conversation with some of my friends here. everyone around me is too busy doing their own thing to notice that i'm floundering

even her friends can't be bothered to talk to me. they whisper about their personal lives in front of me, as if i were not even supposed to be there to hear them talking. i feel like they will never consider me their friend. my only title is "her boyfriend"and that's all i will be to them

i was washing my hands in the bathroom earlier, and the poem, "Harlem" by Langston Hughes was stuck in my head for some reason. it goes like this:

What happens to a dream deferred?

      Does it dry up

      like a raisin in the sun?

      Or fester like a sore—

      And then run?

      Does it stink like rotten meat?

      Or crust and sugar over—

      like a syrupy sweet?

      Maybe it just sags

      like a heavy load.

      Or does it explode?

 

i feel like i'm going to explode right now. 

my dad would always tell me a famous quote my Horace Greeley. It went like this: "Go West young man"

that quote has been stuck in my head ever since. i miss my dad so much

i came to the sudden realization today that i am completely and utterly on my own

i feel like i have to figure things out on my own, because at the end of the day, not many people have my back

most of the time, it seems that everyone has some sort of bullshit ulterior motive or some factor that is driving them to do the things they do, and some of the time, what people say to me is self-satisfying to that individual, and kind of leaves me hanging

i should be used to this by now, but like everytime, this still amazes me

that people have the capacity to let me down. perpetually