how can my cousin be so callous to my uncle? does she remember that when i was her age, my father was slowly dying of cancer?

i guess this makes me mad, because i'm mad at myself. i was exactly how she was when i was 17. not a care in the world. even when he was sick, i was fed up with my dad. i could have been nicer to him. why wasn't i?

why the fuck was i so busy chasing girls in high school? why couldn't i have spent more time with my dad?

my last conversation with him was a short stilted dialogue that lasted all of a minute

i still hurt so bad

today, at dinner, my uncle was talking about his bad stomach and his recent acid reflux and i almost cried because i was reminded of how transient life. it sounds so stupid of me, but it's sad to see him getting older

he reminds me so much of my dad

does he think about him as much as i do?

i should be working on my UConn transfer essay...too bad i'm too lazy and i lack the inspiration

And you bring me to my knees, again
All this time that I could beg you please, in vain
All this time that I felt insecure, for you
And I leave my burdens at the door

And it's the downward spiral, got me suicidal
But too scared to do it so these pills will be the rifle
Surpassing all my idols, took the wrong turn

repeating instrumentals tryna figure patterns out

i hope you're proud of me

i want a better college experience. i feel like i'm wasting my time this fall. while everyone else is going to have a great time at school, i'm gonna be fucking miserable at central. i wish i could transfer schools for the fall, but it's too late. i just can't wait for the spring to get out of this awful school...