it's been awhile since i posted, so i figured i better update my blog!

now that it's a new year i figured i would try to make healthier choices in my life. although i am still incredibly stressed, i am trying my best to relax and make time for myself. in addition, i am trying to eat healthier and make smarter decisions about what i eat. i found out recently that i'm allergic to wheat, so i am making an effort to reduce the amount of wheat items i consume.

however, my classes are fairly stressful, and i find myself preoccupied at night while i'm trying to fall asleep, and all i can think about is the amount of work i need to complete

my math and urban sociology classes are definitely going to be my toughest classes, and per usual i feel as though i am going to do poorly in them. i just need to keep telling myself that i've had plenty of tough classes, with buddhism probably being my most trying class, and the lowest grade i've ever received was an A-
i know i'm being irrational, but i can't help constantly doubting my abilities. i feel like i'm afraid to try new things, but it's those things that help make me a more well-rounded person

i thought buddhism was going to be fun, but it ended up being really tough, and i was able to get an A-, a grade i wasn't necessarily happy with, but i was able to at least become a better writer in the process

as time goes on, however, i find myself missing my dad more and more. i guess i just took advantage of the time he was here, and never really appreciated what he did for us. for example, he would always plan these cool family vacations, that were really memorable, and i didn't realize how much planning and time this planning took, and i just really appreciate everything he did for me to become the person i am today

it's almost been 3 years since my dad passed away, yet it doesn't feel like he's been gone at all. i feel like when i go home from school i'm gonna see him. i get really excited at the prospect, but when i really think about it, he's not gonna be home. he's not gonna be sitting on the couch in my living room, nor reading the paper, and i can't hear his voice, or talk to him about my problems. it just hurts so much. i can't take it. my heart hurts

i get so caught up in my own bullshit that i lose sight of what's important to me. not a day goes by without me thinking of my dad, but when i sit down and actually think about him, all i can do is cry and cry. i miss him so much. i feel like a part of me is missing. i guess that's why the fall semester is always so tough for me, because he's all i can think about. i know that school is where i need to be at for the next two years, but sometimes it's so hard to grasp

had a really awful, and now i get to finally relax and i realize that i have a full week of classes ahead of me....it's gonna be the longest week ever! i can't believe i'm a junior already. it feels great to finally be an upperclassman, but i just really want to be done with school and live my life, without having to worry about my classes or finding someone to eat a meal with. i barely have time to focus on my own personal things. all i can think about is school and how time consuming it is. i just want to be done with school and live in my own place and be able to work a steady job, instead of this bullshit

I had a really shitty night tonight upon realizing how unfulfilling my summer has been up to this point. Everything they do seems to rattle me in some way or another. I thought I would be farther along at this point in my life, but I feel my happiness is still out of grasp. My hometown has a way of giving the youth everything, and leaving them empty. Growing up, my parents gave me everything I could have ever wanted. Now that I'm an adult, I feel that life in my hometown was a blessing and yet a curse. And now that my best friend and father have passed away, I feel like I am missing a substantial part of myself. In an attempt to feel better, I tried to think about the love my father, dog ad girlfriend have for me. It all hit me at once, and I couldn't help but think about the good times I've had with all three individuals. I pictured my dog jumping up and down whole barking, my dad smiling at me while in Philadelphia, and spending time cooking with Emily.  While i was thinking about these memories, the song "Dancepack" by Volcano Choir was playing in my head. I heard the lyrics "theres still a hole in your heart" in my head.I couldn't help but cry knowing that while most of my friends are idiots, I am loved

Thanks to my friend Mike for giving me good advice tonight

Hope never dies

My struggle with depression is an everyday occurance. A lot of the time i can hardly motivate myself to do anything. But as I lay here, I know that I must keep plugging away. I have to overcome this, to prove everyone wrong. Sometimes, though, I'm overcome with a sense of emptiness. Panic grips my chest, and tunnel vision sets in. The world around me blurs. I have a great disdain for my friends. They are so immature sometimes that they are jaded and have no concept of the real world, that life is bigger than our former high school lives and the world is larger than our little suburb where we grew up. They just need to grow up, and express how they really feel.

I saw an inspiring graffiti while I was in Saint Petersburg, Russia. It was "hope never dies"

Today at 4:30 p.m., my dog Nikita passed away. He's been my dog, shit, my best friend, since i was four years old. He was and is such a beautiful animal. I didn't even consider him a dog. He was a part of my family. Every since memory I have, he was associated with it in one way or another. He would always be waiting for me at  sitting on the couch near the front window, waiting for me to come home. He was the most gentle creature i've ever known. He would never hurt anyone. His death hurts as equally as much as me losing my father. We had such a special bond. He changed my life, and now it feels as though a part of me is dead. I can't feel anything right now except for pain. Sitting here at my desk, I remember him always walking right between my legs, and standing or sitting in the area underneath my desk. I've just had so much history with him, so many great memories. He was there for me through thick and thin.

 How much more loss can I endure before I break? I feel so weak, defenseless, vulnerable.

Rest in peace, Nikita. I know you'll keep my dad company in heaven. Just know that i love you so much