I have recently come to realize how comfortable I am being by myself. Prior to this and last year, I would always crave being around others, and sacrifice my own mental health to do things for others all the time. While my grades didn't suffer per se, my own happiness did. This year, I am focused on making myself happy and healthy through the toughest year of college. Being by myself allows me to look inward and be mindful of all my actions, as well as allow me to finish all of my schoolwork in a timely manner to help prevent myself from getting stressed out. While I still stress, and worry about doing well, it is less than it would have been in the past. In addition, I am trying to focus less on what other people think of me and communicating better. While these last two goals are more difficult for me, I will be persistent in them because it is important for me to be as healthy and positive as possible

New Year, New Me!

I haven't posted in my blog since January, and I figured that since the new school year started a few weeks ago, I would use this blog to mark my progress and personal growth, to talk about the good days and the bad, and frame my new posts in a positive light, trying to discuss how even the bad days are relevant to ones growth. I will try to post in this blog a few times a week

It's my senior year of college, and I couldn't be more excited because I can finally see the end in sight. It's been a long and strange journey and I couldn't have done it without my family, loved ones and friends.

The past few weeks have been a tough transition to get back into the swing of being in school, but I've been coping to the best of my ability. I'm excited that it feels like fall (finally!) my second favorite season next to winter. The air was brisk today and I ate apple fritters and picked some pumpkins

Thoughts of fall for me include layering clothes, sipping on some hot pumpkin spiced chai, cuddling up in a blanket and watching some tv or reading a book, stomping in the crisp leaves and listening to the satisfying crunch beneath your feet

Although I have to be stuck at school during my favorite few months of the year (the end of September through the end of December), I know how lucky I am to be alive, to be able to see the sun set, to know that I have a roof over my head and that I'm getting such a great education in the process. While I might not appreciate this stuff now, it helps by keeping everything in perspective

Until next time

it's been awhile since i posted, so i figured i better update my blog!

now that it's a new year i figured i would try to make healthier choices in my life. although i am still incredibly stressed, i am trying my best to relax and make time for myself. in addition, i am trying to eat healthier and make smarter decisions about what i eat. i found out recently that i'm allergic to wheat, so i am making an effort to reduce the amount of wheat items i consume.

however, my classes are fairly stressful, and i find myself preoccupied at night while i'm trying to fall asleep, and all i can think about is the amount of work i need to complete

my math and urban sociology classes are definitely going to be my toughest classes, and per usual i feel as though i am going to do poorly in them. i just need to keep telling myself that i've had plenty of tough classes, with buddhism probably being my most trying class, and the lowest grade i've ever received was an A-
i know i'm being irrational, but i can't help constantly doubting my abilities. i feel like i'm afraid to try new things, but it's those things that help make me a more well-rounded person

i thought buddhism was going to be fun, but it ended up being really tough, and i was able to get an A-, a grade i wasn't necessarily happy with, but i was able to at least become a better writer in the process

as time goes on, however, i find myself missing my dad more and more. i guess i just took advantage of the time he was here, and never really appreciated what he did for us. for example, he would always plan these cool family vacations, that were really memorable, and i didn't realize how much planning and time this planning took, and i just really appreciate everything he did for me to become the person i am today

it's almost been 3 years since my dad passed away, yet it doesn't feel like he's been gone at all. i feel like when i go home from school i'm gonna see him. i get really excited at the prospect, but when i really think about it, he's not gonna be home. he's not gonna be sitting on the couch in my living room, nor reading the paper, and i can't hear his voice, or talk to him about my problems. it just hurts so much. i can't take it. my heart hurts

i get so caught up in my own bullshit that i lose sight of what's important to me. not a day goes by without me thinking of my dad, but when i sit down and actually think about him, all i can do is cry and cry. i miss him so much. i feel like a part of me is missing. i guess that's why the fall semester is always so tough for me, because he's all i can think about. i know that school is where i need to be at for the next two years, but sometimes it's so hard to grasp

had a really awful, and now i get to finally relax and i realize that i have a full week of classes ahead of me....it's gonna be the longest week ever! i can't believe i'm a junior already. it feels great to finally be an upperclassman, but i just really want to be done with school and live my life, without having to worry about my classes or finding someone to eat a meal with. i barely have time to focus on my own personal things. all i can think about is school and how time consuming it is. i just want to be done with school and live in my own place and be able to work a steady job, instead of this bullshit

I had a really shitty night tonight upon realizing how unfulfilling my summer has been up to this point. Everything they do seems to rattle me in some way or another. I thought I would be farther along at this point in my life, but I feel my happiness is still out of grasp. My hometown has a way of giving the youth everything, and leaving them empty. Growing up, my parents gave me everything I could have ever wanted. Now that I'm an adult, I feel that life in my hometown was a blessing and yet a curse. And now that my best friend and father have passed away, I feel like I am missing a substantial part of myself. In an attempt to feel better, I tried to think about the love my father, dog ad girlfriend have for me. It all hit me at once, and I couldn't help but think about the good times I've had with all three individuals. I pictured my dog jumping up and down whole barking, my dad smiling at me while in Philadelphia, and spending time cooking with Emily.  While i was thinking about these memories, the song "Dancepack" by Volcano Choir was playing in my head. I heard the lyrics "theres still a hole in your heart" in my head.I couldn't help but cry knowing that while most of my friends are idiots, I am loved

Thanks to my friend Mike for giving me good advice tonight