Does True Love Wait?

Wow, I fucking hate you. You fucking represent everything that I've worked so hard to get away from. You're all of the following to me:

You're that toxic girl whom I couldn't say no to, whom I ended up cheating on.
You're the girl who doesn't make enough time for me
You're the girl who when I'm vulnerable with and tell her I miss her and want to cuddle, you respond with "I'm taking a bath"
You're emotionless. You're cruel and callous
You get to run away and hide in your home state
You get to hide behind your Instagram and social media posts to pretend to show everyone life is grand

You're a phony. Nothing about you is real. Your words are empty, soothing me at first, but later cutting me and tearing flesh from bone.

Actions speak louder than words. Never ever forget that. People make time for those that they want to make time for. And clearly you're not a priority. You haven't been a priority for a woman in 2 years. That's a fact.

The world is a cold, dark place for a millennial trying to find love. I say this because it's difficult. Everyone is out for themselves, and they can't seem to prioritize others. And you're no different. I can't believe I fell for you. How could I be so stupid?

I hate you, I love you, I hate that I love you.

Fuck you for breaking me. Fuck you for letting me fall head over heels for you. I hate you for letting me feel things for you. I hate you for being so callous and telling me that you want to keep things casual, that you don't do long distance.

I fucking hate myself for ignoring the signs and for perpetually wearing my heart on my sleeve.

You don't give a damn about me. You don't care, you never did.

I just want to fucking shout from the rooftops. I want to scream my fucking head off. I'm so livid. I'm so heartbroken. And yet, I did this to myself, too. I let girls hurt me because I don't respect myself enough to look out for myself.

I keep ending up in this same spot, with these fucking girls who don't give two fucking shits about me. Girls who are fucking anomalies, who are callous and selfish and mean. Girls who I let into my life, who I make room for because I'm too weak.

I don't think I believe in love anymore. I think that was the last straw that broke my back. I think my heart is finally broken, once and for all. Slowly chipped away from my mean exes, and finally broken thanks to you. I fucking hate you.

Why don't you fucking retreat back to the safety of Cali when you graduate in December? That's all you Cali girls are good at, is coming to Boulder and breaking my heart and then leaving. Go back to your warm state, because my heart is fucking cold and irreparably damaged.

Take Note, There's Still a Hole in your Heart

I haven't written in this blog in like a year and a half. I usually journal nowadays, letting myself be the only audience of my thoughts and musings of my life. But for some reason, I've been drawn to this blog. I've been thinking about it the last few days, and today, I finally decided to open it. To see all the memories I've chosen to share on this, the pain, the anguish and the growth and change I've experienced throughout my college years and now into the "real world."

To see that fundamentally, I'm the same at my core. But now with more life experiences to back up my writings.

I'm lying in bed, oddly stricken with anxiety today. From working a 12 hour long day, to personal shit and everything in between. My breath short and quick, slightly worried I'm gonna black out as I have on several occasions, the last one last summer when she said her hurtful shit. The hurtful truth, her truth, that she dropped on me so casually. With no sense of empathy or caring. Impulsively, as if I wouldn't care or bat an eyelash. She was cruel the whole time. Always fucking selfish. One of the hearts on your arm, held up by the bird, a literal reminder of her. A reminder to yourself to never, ever let anyone walk all over you like that again. That no woman has the right to ever break you. But most importantly, that you have no right to break yourself like that.

But I'm over that. I'm over everything. I'm protecting myself, because at the end of the day, all I have is myself. But that's selfish. What would your dad say? Would he be proud of that? He was so selfless, and caring and gave everything. Literally everything, including his last breaths, for his family.

Every time you love someone, whether it's a friend or a partner, you give them a piece of your heart. You give them a bit of yourself. You trust them with yourself. With your insecurities, your faults, your flaws. Your secrets, your quirks. In the hopes that they won't crush you, won't let you down, won't break your already fragile heart. Because you're so trusting. You want others with you on your journey through life. Because you saw how short life can be when you watched your father die right in front of your eyes and lost every bit of yourself that afternoon. That afternoon when your heart broke for the first time. Almost irreparably.

Your heart is fragile from death, from love and loss, from regrets and heartache at watching others hurt at your hands.

But you've grown strong. You've nourished yourself, eaten your fill through spirituality and through the company of others, become stronger, falling down and picking yourself back up over and over and over again. And in those moments of weakness, you find your strength, your passions. Your love of others, your selflessness (very much so to a fault), your connection with others.

And while your heart might be broken, the only hole that's missing is the one your dad left behind. Because that's the biggest hole of them all. But he's always with you. He helps you along. Through your loss you found out who you are, what your commitments are. To serve your community.

And I'm ready to let others in again. To love those in my life with my heart. My heart that has been broken open so many times, yet it never gives up. Those who break open your heart teach you a lot about yourself. That you want to be different, better, to grow and change  It never loses sight of love and hope.

So, please be gentle with my heart, my soul, my being. I'm strong but fragile. Courageous and brave, yet insecure and unsure. I am myself, unapologetically myself. Unapologetically Michael

I feel like I only blog whenever I have an issue, or after a long period of time. Granted, it's only been a week and a half since my last post, but that's still a long time! It still amazes me how quickly things change in such a short period of time. I'm just feeling really burnt out from work. I can't wait for Thanksgiving break in 2 weeks! Although I don't want to rush these next two weeks of work, because I should be enjoying it more, and enjoying this season in general. November and December are my two favorite months, and I have such warm feelings about this time of year. I just love the fall, sweater weather, Thanksgiving and Christmas! But I'm also feeling really unsettled because I'm single this year for the holidays, the first time in like 5 years (although I was single for Thanksgiving 2011). But I just guess I feel really unsettled about everything. I wish everything wasn't so transitional this fall. Almost everything in my life has been up in the air since moving to Colorado. And while I've grown a great deal, I still feel like I'm missing that special someone. I definitely am not trying to settle for any girl, but I just wish that I had found someone I could be official with right now. I just guess I'm feeling really lonely recently, at a time when society tells you that you need to spend the holidays with the ones you love and are romantically involved with. It's an unreasonable expectation for me to find someone in such a short period of time, but I feel like I need to!

It's not the worst thing in the world to be single, and I'm so grateful for everything I've been given, and so thankful for this awesome opportunity to live in such a beautiful state. But I can't help but feel so lonely. I hate the feeling of going to bed alone. I just need to keep things in perspective and stop complaining so much about something that's pretty much out of my control.

I went to a workshop yesterday on body-based communication, and it was a really awesome workshop in which the facilitator taught us the importance of show ourselves appreciation rather than criticism. It's so easy to be self-deprecating, but so much more difficult to show ourselves self-love. The key to a good relationship (even one with yourself), is to give 5 compliments to every one criticism. So the facilitator told us every day when we wake up, we need to compliment/ appreciate things we do for ourselves to start our days on a positive and upbeat note and to give us energy and strength. I need to appreciate myself more and keep working on self-care, which I am realizing is so vital and important to my mental well-being

I feel like I've grown so much and changed a lot since moving to Colorado, but I still feel like I struggle on a daily basis with my depression and insecurities. I often times feel down, empty and hopeless. I wish my dad were here - I keep telling myself things would be so different if he were alive - that I would be happier, or feel less insecure, but I know that's not the case. I'm definitely in a better place emotionally than even this time last year, but Colorado is definitely testing my resolve and strength. I have setbacks every so often, but I try to pick myself back up again and keep pushing forward. I already feel a change within myself - I feel more comfortable being alone, and being independent, although I just wish I felt more settled here - that I had closer friends and was busier. I know I work a lot, and for long hours, but a part of me keeps thinking I should be doing more (being more active, making more friends, meeting new people, being outdoors more), but I guess I need to stop being so tough on myself - I'm my own biggest critic. I just need to appreciate where I am in my current stage in life I guess. I find it difficult to keep things in perspective sometimes. I know a lot of people have it so much worse than me, but I keep wallowing in my own self pity and bullshit

I just need to appreciate the time of year, the people I'm with, and feel appreciative that it's my favorite time of year. Christmas is right around the corner, and I want to be able to enjoy this beautiful time of year more in such a beautiful state. I couldn't imagine being in Connecticut right now - I'd be at home and probably fucking miserable. Although when I have tough days here, they're really tough, I really appreciate living in Colorado, and I can't see myself living anywhere different for awhile

Went on a date with a great new girl on Saturday. We really connected and I thought that things were going really well. I felt like i immediately knew her and was comfortable with her. I hadn't felt that since I was with Emily. She and I connected immediately on our first day of meeting. If anything, I felt more of a connection with this new girl, Sophie. She and I went for sushi in downtown Boulder and walked around after and then went to her place and talked. We spent 7 hours together. I made plans to see her last night, Wednesday. I was having a really rough week, and the only thing getting me through the week was the thought of seeing her. I was so excited to see her, and she had a surprise planned for me. She drove last night, and we went mini golfing. She treated me, and it was really sweet. We had a great time, or so I thought. We went back to her place after, and we hung out with her roommates and they were grilling me about who I was, and my dating history. I thought it was endearing because they wanted to get to know me. Sophie kept talking about how we needed to go skiing together in the winter, and how we should hang out in the future. When I left, her roommates said "see you soon, Mike!" Which I understood as that i would see Sophie again. She didn't give me a kiss goodbye, but merely a hug. I left feeling anxious and really uneasy for some reason. I got home, and felt like I wanted to cry, because I had a bad feeling about how Sophie and I ended things. I felt empty and alone for some reason. She texted me an hour later and said that although she really likes me and felt a connection, she couldn't see me because she needs to work on herself and figure herself out independently. I was fucking devastated. I could see myself with her, but now that's over, and I'm not sure where to go from here. Not even 24 hours ago, I was so excited to see her, and now I feel so empty and alone. Why is God testing me? What did I do to deserve this pain and suffering? Dating is fucking difficult. I'm putting so much time and energy into this, and not getting any return yet. All I'm getting is heartbreak and heartache. I feel like my heart's been ripped out of my heart, and I'm just sitting here feeling empty, alone and lost. Where do I go from here? How do I go on? I feel so alone and lonely. I love Colorado, but this place is really testing everything about me. It's trying to make me break, but I won't fucking break. I've been through too much to lay down and give up. I'm a goddamn fighter. If I can get through the loss of my father, I can definitely get through this. It'll just take time. I'm more devastated by Sophie than by my break up with Emily. I just really hope this will work out

This morning, I helped coach/walk my kids' soccer game at a local middle school. It was really great seeing them in a new environment, where they weren't stressed out about school. They were so excited to see me, one girl even gave me a hug! It was really endearing and heartwarming. I'm sitting here at Starbucks now, and someone dropped a dime in front of me. I had a weird urge to pick it up, as I do most dimes nowadays, because they're a sign from my father, that he's watching over me. I picked up the dime, and it was head's up! Like all the other dimes I see that remind me of my father. Maybe it's because he's proud of me for working with kids and realizing my passion. He used to coach me in soccer when I was younger (I was never very good! In fact, I hated soccer). Times like these, I miss him the most. A lot of the kids at my game today had support from their mom's and dad's, but I was alone, without anyone. My dad gave me the world growing up, and now I feel as though I have an empty hole in my heart where he once was. I wish one day I could be half the amazing father he was. I'm starting to realize how exhausting work can be, and he never complained about it. He always took the time to take me to different events, and spent copious time with me, always. He was supportive, loving and caring.

The Field - Then It's White (off of Looping State of Mind)