Hope never dies

My struggle with depression is an everyday occurance. A lot of the time i can hardly motivate myself to do anything. But as I lay here, I know that I must keep plugging away. I have to overcome this, to prove everyone wrong. Sometimes, though, I'm overcome with a sense of emptiness. Panic grips my chest, and tunnel vision sets in. The world around me blurs. I have a great disdain for my friends. They are so immature sometimes that they are jaded and have no concept of the real world, that life is bigger than our former high school lives and the world is larger than our little suburb where we grew up. They just need to grow up, and express how they really feel.

I saw an inspiring graffiti while I was in Saint Petersburg, Russia. It was "hope never dies"

Today at 4:30 p.m., my dog Nikita passed away. He's been my dog, shit, my best friend, since i was four years old. He was and is such a beautiful animal. I didn't even consider him a dog. He was a part of my family. Every since memory I have, he was associated with it in one way or another. He would always be waiting for me at  sitting on the couch near the front window, waiting for me to come home. He was the most gentle creature i've ever known. He would never hurt anyone. His death hurts as equally as much as me losing my father. We had such a special bond. He changed my life, and now it feels as though a part of me is dead. I can't feel anything right now except for pain. Sitting here at my desk, I remember him always walking right between my legs, and standing or sitting in the area underneath my desk. I've just had so much history with him, so many great memories. He was there for me through thick and thin.

 How much more loss can I endure before I break? I feel so weak, defenseless, vulnerable.

Rest in peace, Nikita. I know you'll keep my dad company in heaven. Just know that i love you so much

i think i realized what's bothering me. i think i'm unhappy. maybe it's because i'm remorseful of opportunities lost, of my childhood that was so ephemeral, it has slipped through my fingers.

or perhaps i'm so stressed by this amount of work i have to do, that i simply bury my head in my schoolwork all day, so i can't focus on anything else

She knows a good thing now
With our own cost and all can hear the word
In my head and in my thoughts
In my head and in my thoughts

We spend the whole days all
We're feeling more apart
And we know you can do more

Please, don't let me hurt you more
It's in your stare and at your core
Please, don't let me hurt you more
Please, don't let me hurt you more

I know this journey's soon
The color of lights and our lives become as you

Please, don't let me hurt you more
It's in your stare and at your core
Please, don't let me hurt you more
Please, don't let me hurt you more

(James Blake - Dlm)

I haven't felt the way
I feel today
In so long its hard
For me to specify
I'm beginning to notice
How much this feels like
A waking limb
Pins and needles
Nice to know you
Goodbye
Nice to know you
To know, you

The day after I had counted down

All of your breaths
Down until there were none
A hummingbird crashed right
in front of me and I understood
all you did for us.
You gave, and gave, and gave, and gave.

Ohhh, every night I ask myself
Am I giving enough?
Am I?

while i was in the library today, i had the weirdest sense of deja vu. i had some flashbacks from high school, and how it eerily coincided with some events i noticed today.

for instance, every time i go to my child rights class, i feel like i'm being transported to my intro to sociology i took as a senior in high school, where there were only 3 guys and we barely spoke up. in my current class, there are 6 guys and 30 girls.

and how recently i've been obsessed with the book "the catcher in the rye" which was my favorite book when i first read it sophomore year in high school

and much like sophomore year in high school, i can't seem to have the pieces click and i ended up hanging out with only one or two friends, much like my current situation

it sucks how things come full circle and i realize that i'm not nearly at the place i want to be physically emotionally and mentally

i wish i were able to work out more and that i think i had a better physique in high school

i guess god is testing me or something. maybe i need to learn from my mistakes or something, but i'm sick of feeling sorry for myself and this crippling depression i succumb to. 

so here i sit here, by myself, like usual, and i find myself absolutely and unequivocally alone emotionally. i feel like i can't connect with my new friends on a deeper level and it makes me feel anxious. it's like pulling teeth to have a conversation with some of my friends here. everyone around me is too busy doing their own thing to notice that i'm floundering

even her friends can't be bothered to talk to me. they whisper about their personal lives in front of me, as if i were not even supposed to be there to hear them talking. i feel like they will never consider me their friend. my only title is "her boyfriend"and that's all i will be to them

i was washing my hands in the bathroom earlier, and the poem, "Harlem" by Langston Hughes was stuck in my head for some reason. it goes like this:

What happens to a dream deferred?

      Does it dry up

      like a raisin in the sun?

      Or fester like a sore—

      And then run?

      Does it stink like rotten meat?

      Or crust and sugar over—

      like a syrupy sweet?

      Maybe it just sags

      like a heavy load.

      Or does it explode?

 

i feel like i'm going to explode right now.