choking, drowning, anxious about the future. i'm tired of all this bullshit, and i can't live in the moment.

i'm tired of sitting around, and wasting my time.

for whatever reason, when i panic i think of what my life would be like if i decided to go out to colorado, my dream for a good year and a half now

i'd like to go there this summer to experience life that doesn't revolve living in the northeast

a sort of a roadtrip for a couple weeks

i've always wanted to enjoy nature in the midwest. just to go for a hike in the forest. it's gorgeous out there

to bring my dad with me. if not physically, at least spiritually

to experience another lifestyle with him, together

to be in a better place mentally, that i so desperately dream of

instead of being trapped in my room, that awful box that always reminds me of how devastating senior year was, when i only wanted to end my life

today it snowed on campus (since i go to a school by the shore, it was only an accumulation of an inch) and i had to walk across campus. as i was walking, i was listening to the song woods by bon iver

every time i listen to that song, it makes me feel down, but this time it was a life changing occurrence. it was so peaceful, even though the weather was so chaotic. kids were rushing to class, but i didn't have a care in the world. all that mattered was the snow, the soft melodic voice of Justin Vernon and the steady rhythm of my feet crunching the snow beneath my feet.

the lyrics echoed in my ears over and over

"I'm up in the woods
I'm down on my mind
I'm building a still
To slow down the time"

i miss my dad so much

why can't he physically be here with me? sitting next to me in class, or in the library or at the dinner table with my new "friends"?

i don't have everything together

everything is a ruse

i want to see my dad when he was healthy and vibrant so badly. i'm so envious of everyone who has a dad who is breathing, seeing, feeling, touching, smiling

what would my dad say about me right now? would he be proud of me? disappointed? i want to hear his voice so much

why am i so consumed by this? why can't i just be stronger, instead of being shaken up by everything?

and while i sit here, i realize that it's bee three years to the day that my father got sick

three,fucking.years

where the fuck did the time go?

why am i still so damaged? i can't seem to help myself. like at all

i guess i expected all this change to happen at once at this new school

i struggled, worked tirelessly, and lost sleep over getting good grades. good grades that allowed me to get into this school

but while i like the academic aspect of school, the schedules and organization of doing assignments on time, i can't seem to grasp the social aspect

i'm so different than everyone at both schools i've been to

i'm not some unmotivated kid at central who couldn't get into his first pick school, who struggles academically

and yet i'm not some boarding/prep school upper middle-class pretentious asshole

i struggle to find things to talk about with these kids. i'm so consumed with schoolwork, i can't seem to hold a normal conversation

it's just so hard sometimes

i know i need to give it time, but a part of me thinks i should be doing more, and more, and more

so tonight, a couple of girls that i was hanging out with called me a "straight gay best friend"

what the FUCK is that?

i resent that shit so much. they said that i'm not really a "guy's guy" they said i was a gentleman, but couldn't they have just stopped after that?

great. guess i give off that kind of vibe

where along the line have i changed that much? so what that i prefer the company of girls? it's harder for me to make connections with guys.

and i guess that makes me effeminate? it makes me so furious that people see me as that

i've never struggled so hard to fit in. i'm so outgoing, and nobody seems to appreciate it

i shouldn't have to feel bad about this, and i shouldn't be internalizing this so much

but i always care about what people think of me

i'm polite, and respectful, but apparently, no one wants that in a guy, because it makes me seem weak

i like who i am

When I'm at the pearly gates
This'll be on my videotape

When Mephistopheles is just beneath
And he's reaching up to grab me

This is my way of saying goodbye
Because I can't do it face to face
So I'm talking to you before it's too late

No matter what happens now
I shouldn't be afraid
Because I know today has been the most perfect day I've ever seen. 

i'm just a kid

who really fucking misses his dad

as time passes, i have fewer and fewer things to remind myself of him

i just spent the last hour panicking as i tried to find a birthday card he gave to me when he was sick

i couldn't breathe, and all i could manage to do was sob uncontrollably as i tore my room apart, finding other things that reminded me of him, which made me even more distraught

i still can't find that god damn card

does anyone really care about my struggle anymore? as time goes by, my pleas for some help seem to fall on more and more deaf ears