One of the worst things to hear was when I was dating Maital and she said to me "I'm scared of you"
That shit hurt me deeply. That I was a person in her life that she was actually scared of. That she felt like she couldn't talk to me or be herself. That I was so volatile and verbally abusive that she felt scared.
That I lashed out at her and made her feel so shitty about everything about herself. She was scared of me. Am I that scary? I guess I thought about that today when a snap of her and me came across my snapchat story from this time last year.
I'm scary. I scared her. I was a really shitty boyfriend to her and dragged her through the mud any chance I could get. It felt good to just be mean to her sometimes.
Sometimes I just felt like she wasn't a real person because she was so distant and aloof all the time. She didn't get me a lot of the time and I just felt so vindicated because shitty to her. I should have left sooner. I should have gotten out, but I didn't. And that shit hurt me more in the long term.
Sunday, March 31, 2019
Wednesday, March 27, 2019
Tuesday, March 26, 2019
Luz broke me, so I absolutely decimated her. Took her down in a blaze of fucking glory.
Maital hurt me a lot, but not as bad as Luz ever could. And for that I broke her. Wrecked her. the way Luz did to me. I cheated on her 4 times. She didn't love me the way I needed her to. Couldn't give me anything I ever needed. Sleepless nights. Every day fights. I couldn't take it anymore. I was a coward. I cheated on her over and over and over and over again. Hoping she could feel the pain I felt when she hurt me. And she did. She was decimated, like I was with Luz. I'm not proud of it, but a part of me feels like they deserved it.
Love is weird. Love is strange. It makes you do fucked up shit. But maybe it wasn't love. If I loved them, then why would I want to hurt them intentionally?
I have a lot of regrets. For not being the man I should have been when it counted. For not taking the high road and getting out of those relationships sooner. I regret hurting them but in the moment it felt so fucking good. It was childish and dumb. I was immature. I still can be sometimes. I was spiteful and vengeful. I just wanted them to hurt half as badly as I was hurting internally. From depression, from not being loved. For being treated like a doormat. For being used and abused and thrown to the fucking gutter. I wanted them to know and feel my pain.
But I guess I just hope they're doing okay nowadays. Not in any romantic sense at all, but just as people. I just hope that they're able to find peace with what I did and that they can find whatever they're looking for.
Maital hurt me a lot, but not as bad as Luz ever could. And for that I broke her. Wrecked her. the way Luz did to me. I cheated on her 4 times. She didn't love me the way I needed her to. Couldn't give me anything I ever needed. Sleepless nights. Every day fights. I couldn't take it anymore. I was a coward. I cheated on her over and over and over and over again. Hoping she could feel the pain I felt when she hurt me. And she did. She was decimated, like I was with Luz. I'm not proud of it, but a part of me feels like they deserved it.
Love is weird. Love is strange. It makes you do fucked up shit. But maybe it wasn't love. If I loved them, then why would I want to hurt them intentionally?
I have a lot of regrets. For not being the man I should have been when it counted. For not taking the high road and getting out of those relationships sooner. I regret hurting them but in the moment it felt so fucking good. It was childish and dumb. I was immature. I still can be sometimes. I was spiteful and vengeful. I just wanted them to hurt half as badly as I was hurting internally. From depression, from not being loved. For being treated like a doormat. For being used and abused and thrown to the fucking gutter. I wanted them to know and feel my pain.
But I guess I just hope they're doing okay nowadays. Not in any romantic sense at all, but just as people. I just hope that they're able to find peace with what I did and that they can find whatever they're looking for.
Losing Control
I was talking to my buddy today about how I'm glad that he's dating a woman that makes him happy and he told me his ex "low-key" raped him. And that got me to thinking about my ex, Luz, and how I guess I didn't realize it until recently, but she low-key raped me when we were together.
She came over one Saturday night when we were together after going out clubbing with her friends. Her roommate (and good friend) brought her home first to get her changed out of her clubbing clothes (I'm sure purposefully, so I couldn't see what Luz was wearing). She showed up at like 2 am, and when I opened my front door, she was standing a few feet away, absolutely reeking of booze and poor choices.
She kissed me and it felt absolutely awful. We went to my room and I was trying to go to bed but she kept pressing me for sex. I didn't want to just because she was drunk and I didn't want to take advantage of her in her state. She kept pushing and pushing and pushing until we finally had sex, but I was fucking miserable the whole time. The booze on her breath made me feel so sick to my fucking stomach.
She low-key raped me.
I felt used for my body, a feeling I've had with a bunch of women I've dated. Used. Abused. Tossed to the curb. Abandoned. Traumatized. Broken. Shattered. Torn to pieces.
I can't believe how deeply she wrecked me. How deeply Maital hurt me. How used I felt with my hookups.
She came over one Saturday night when we were together after going out clubbing with her friends. Her roommate (and good friend) brought her home first to get her changed out of her clubbing clothes (I'm sure purposefully, so I couldn't see what Luz was wearing). She showed up at like 2 am, and when I opened my front door, she was standing a few feet away, absolutely reeking of booze and poor choices.
She kissed me and it felt absolutely awful. We went to my room and I was trying to go to bed but she kept pressing me for sex. I didn't want to just because she was drunk and I didn't want to take advantage of her in her state. She kept pushing and pushing and pushing until we finally had sex, but I was fucking miserable the whole time. The booze on her breath made me feel so sick to my fucking stomach.
She low-key raped me.
I felt used for my body, a feeling I've had with a bunch of women I've dated. Used. Abused. Tossed to the curb. Abandoned. Traumatized. Broken. Shattered. Torn to pieces.
I can't believe how deeply she wrecked me. How deeply Maital hurt me. How used I felt with my hookups.
Monday, March 18, 2019
Sunday, March 17, 2019
Sobriety
Sobriety is one of the toughest things I've had to deal with in my life. That constant battle with myself. Having to pump myself up and always remind myself I don't need to hide who I am, hide my problems behind a glass of liquor. I don't need liquor to be courageous, strong, or a more personable person.
It's always tough for me though when someone offers me some and I have the same response. "I'm all set. I'm in recovery."
The look on their face is usually the same - a mixture of shock, pity and discomfort.
But I always love challenging people. Is that weird that I like how uncomfortable people get sometimes?
Alcohol ruined my life in my early to mid 20's. It fucked up my mental health, my physical health. Friends were worried about me. Constantly checking in. Making sure I was still alive.
My sobriety is a constant reminder to myself to be better, to never let me lose myself again. That it's okay to feel and that I should feel all of my emotions and not run away. It's a source of my strength. It's a disease, and that doesn't make me a bad person. And there are going to be days when I struggle more with it than others.
I don't ever want to do that again, or see anyone struggle with that same downward spiral that nearly took my life away from me.
It's always tough for me though when someone offers me some and I have the same response. "I'm all set. I'm in recovery."
The look on their face is usually the same - a mixture of shock, pity and discomfort.
But I always love challenging people. Is that weird that I like how uncomfortable people get sometimes?
Alcohol ruined my life in my early to mid 20's. It fucked up my mental health, my physical health. Friends were worried about me. Constantly checking in. Making sure I was still alive.
My sobriety is a constant reminder to myself to be better, to never let me lose myself again. That it's okay to feel and that I should feel all of my emotions and not run away. It's a source of my strength. It's a disease, and that doesn't make me a bad person. And there are going to be days when I struggle more with it than others.
I don't ever want to do that again, or see anyone struggle with that same downward spiral that nearly took my life away from me.
Ever since I moved to Colorado 4 years ago, I built a very meticulous life around me. Everything has always had to be in my control, never really willing to step outside my comfort zone. Relationships, friendships, always on my accord (for the most part). I built a life around myself, sheltered myself from the pain and hurt and anguish.
I felt scared to let people in, to get hurt, because I've been hurt one too many times.
But things are different with her. I actually want to try, to get out of my comfort zone, to let her in.
She's really good for me, the best woman I've dated. She actually cares about me, is protective over me, cares about how I'm feeling.
I like you a lot a lot.
I felt scared to let people in, to get hurt, because I've been hurt one too many times.
But things are different with her. I actually want to try, to get out of my comfort zone, to let her in.
She's really good for me, the best woman I've dated. She actually cares about me, is protective over me, cares about how I'm feeling.
I like you a lot a lot.
Wednesday, March 13, 2019
Never forget your roots.
Always keep pushing through and take the higher road.
Be a better person.
Do right by yourself and others.
Continue to take care of yourself and be your own source of strength.
Love with all of your heart.
Show compassion and empathy.
Be gentle with yourself, you're going to make mistakes.
Always keep pushing through and take the higher road.
Be a better person.
Do right by yourself and others.
Continue to take care of yourself and be your own source of strength.
Love with all of your heart.
Show compassion and empathy.
Be gentle with yourself, you're going to make mistakes.
Who Supports the Strong?
I just feel like people always put a lot on me. A lot of pressure. A lot of burdens. Everyone thinks I can handle it because I'm perceived as strong, and I can take a lot. But who do I go to for support? It's hard to find people to support me emotionally. What I need and what I'm given are two totally different things. I'm rarely given what I'm needed. I don't feel heard a lot of the time, or given much room to feel needy or dependent on others. I'm often seen as a paragon of strength. But what happens when the cracks come to the surface? What happens when I need to lean on someone else? Most people run. Most people can't handle it. I need to not be abandoned, to loved.
I had to deal with so much hurt and pain in my life and it seems like it keeps continuing. I've lived a harder life than most people can comprehend, and I've overcome so much.
The death of my dad, suicidal ideations and suicide attempts in my younger years. My alcoholism, having to rebuild myself several times after incredibly toxic relationships. Losing myself, regaining my identity only to be broken down again, building myself up back stronger than ever. I know who I am, what I like, what I don't like.
People look at me and see me as more than a 25 year old. I'm proud of where I am now, the person I am, but I still need support and it's just disheartening when I don't get it, or when I'm told to find the strength and support within myself, because I know I have it, but sometimes I need a little more.
I had to deal with so much hurt and pain in my life and it seems like it keeps continuing. I've lived a harder life than most people can comprehend, and I've overcome so much.
The death of my dad, suicidal ideations and suicide attempts in my younger years. My alcoholism, having to rebuild myself several times after incredibly toxic relationships. Losing myself, regaining my identity only to be broken down again, building myself up back stronger than ever. I know who I am, what I like, what I don't like.
People look at me and see me as more than a 25 year old. I'm proud of where I am now, the person I am, but I still need support and it's just disheartening when I don't get it, or when I'm told to find the strength and support within myself, because I know I have it, but sometimes I need a little more.