Twenty Six

On the eve of my 26th birthday I can’t help but feel like this is the set up for my worst birthday to date.

I’m fucking up at work, and am given 30 days to get my shit together. My ex is taking me to court for mediation over money I owed her. I fucked up my sobriety last week and had a glass of wine at an HR event. I just feel like not much is going right for me now. And I have to shoulder all these burdens tomorrow, on a day I’m supposed to celebrate myself. I just feel so lonely sometimes. Triggered by my baggage.

Where are you? I need your support. I don’t feel it this week, and I’m really struggling

“There comes a day when you look at the person you kept forgiving with pure disgust”

Sometimes you let me down.

Happy 63rd birthday, pops

On this day, I can’t help but think and reflect on my dad. I know that his birthday is tomorrow, but I decided to take the day off of work in an effort to be more mindful and celebrate his life more. I feel like in years past, I was always sad about his birthday, but this year I’m trying to celebrate his life and legacy. 

One of four children to a podiatrist and a teacher, my dad was born on April 13th, 1956. He grew up in West Hartford and loved it so much, he never left. He tried going to Tulane law school in New Orleans, but left after his first semester because he was so homesick. He married my mom in 1982, after only being engaged for 3 months. He proposed at a Whalers game. My mom still has the engagement ring, and that will be mine when the time is right. 

He married my mom and they had my sister in 1983, because my dad’s mom had cancer and he wanted her to see him get married. He was always a family man. Always true to his word and never unsteady. After my sister was born, he put himself through law school and later owned his own law practice, where my mom worked as his paralegal. He was a self-made man. And while he would stress about money, I always felt a sense of stability growing up. I worked in his law office doing admin things as a kid. 

I remember he would always come home late and fall asleep on the couch after dinner, with his hand tucked into his dress shirt. He pushed me to succeed academically and to participate in extra-curriculars. I think he pushed me a little too hard, but I know that he meant well, in retrospect. He was active in our town’s political scene and was always so friendly and talkative with strangers. While that irked me as a kid, I admire that he was so confident and willing to hear other people’s stories. And everyone he talked to was always willing to have a conversation with him. He was charming and witty, gentle and honest. If one word can sum up Howard Haims, it would be honest. He had a strong sense of integrity and morality. He taught me to respect women and led by example, by being a great role model. While I know others’ narratives about their fathers can be complicated, I can genuinely say my dad was great. 

He had a passion for sports and traveling. He enjoyed experiences and we went in many vacations in my youth. He and I always went to UConn games, even if I wasn’t always intrigued in basketball as a kid. He was uptight and methodical, always getting stressed, but he always knew how to plan vacations, and he always knew what to do. 

He was stoic and strong. I think I only saw him cry two times in his life, once at his dad’s funeral and when he was in treatment for his cancer. 

I think the thing that made me sad the most right after he passed was that no one would proofread my essays anymore, like he always did. Or that no one would teach me how to tie a tie (he taught me, but I always forgot). It was the little things about him I missed the most immediately. The little things I always took for granted and only really appreciated after he was gone.

He left an impeccable legacy on anyone and everyone he touched. He was a paragon of strength and honesty, of resilience and morality. He walked the walk while never forgetting his roots. He was humble and caring. 

He left a hole in my heart when he left, but I’m so grateful for the time I had with him. 

The best feeling in the world is waking up next to you. You make me feel safe and secure. You listen, you care. You're special

I'm in love with you, Sarah Nicole Turner

I hope you read this soon. And I know you're not ready to say it, but I am: I'm in love with you

I'm so head over heels for you. Absolutely enamored. But you know that. You see the way I look at you. I feel like you see that spark in my eyes. My heart beating fast, seeing so many possibilities with you. I see a future with you. You feel like home.

I haven't felt so strongly or so deeply about anyone before. I'm in love with you. I just want to shout it from the rooftops, to tell everyone. I'm in love with you.

I want to share my weird traditions with you, to share things that are important with you. To create long-lasting memories. I want you to continue to be a part of my life. I want to do things that are important to you. I see myself with you for awhile.

You feel comfortable. You feel right. You're everything I've been searching for. I met you at a time when I least expected to and I just fell so hard for you right off the bat.

I knew I was in love with you when we went to Shabbat services. I looked over at you and was overcome with a sense of warmth and admiration. The way you tried so hard to sing along to the prayers and were focused and alert. The way you cared to be there for me and try.

When I asked you to be my girlfriend, I just knew.

The other night when we were in my car, driving, and you said to me "if it's important to you, it's important to me" and when I grabbed you and kissed you, passionately, with all of me, I just wanted so badly to tell you then.

I know you're not ready yet and I'm being patient. But I just want you to know: I love you. I'm in love with you.

One of the worst things to hear was when I was dating Maital and she said to me "I'm scared of you"

That shit hurt me deeply. That I was a person in her life that she was actually scared of. That she felt like she couldn't talk to me or be herself. That I was so volatile and verbally abusive that she felt scared.

That I lashed out at her and made her feel so shitty about everything about herself. She was scared of me. Am I that scary? I guess I thought about that today when a snap of her and me came across my snapchat story from this time last year.

I'm scary. I scared her. I was a really shitty boyfriend to her and dragged her through the mud any chance I could get. It felt good to just be mean to her sometimes.

Sometimes I just felt like she wasn't a real person because she was so distant and aloof all the time. She didn't get me a lot of the time and I just felt so vindicated because shitty to her. I should have left sooner. I should have gotten out, but I didn't. And that shit hurt me more in the long term.

When I die, fuck it I wanna go to hell. Cuz I’m a piece of shit it ain’t hard to fucking tell

Recovery

Recovery - by Jon Hopkins

Then it's White - The Field

Luz broke me, so I absolutely decimated her. Took her down in a blaze of fucking glory.

Maital hurt me a lot, but not as bad as Luz ever could. And for that I broke her. Wrecked her. the way Luz did to me. I cheated on her 4 times. She didn't love me the way I needed her to. Couldn't give me anything I ever needed. Sleepless nights. Every day fights. I couldn't take it anymore. I was a coward. I cheated on her over and over and over and over again. Hoping she could feel the pain I felt when she hurt me. And she did. She was decimated, like I was with Luz. I'm not proud of it, but a part of me feels like they deserved it.

Love is weird. Love is strange. It makes you do fucked up shit. But maybe it wasn't love. If I loved them, then why would I want to hurt them intentionally?

I have a lot of regrets. For not being the man I should have been when it counted. For not taking the high road and getting out of those relationships sooner. I regret hurting them but in the moment it felt so fucking good. It was childish and dumb. I was immature. I still can be sometimes. I was spiteful and vengeful. I just wanted them to hurt half as badly as I was hurting internally. From depression, from not being loved. For being treated like a doormat. For being used and abused and thrown to the fucking gutter. I wanted them to know and feel my pain.

But I guess I just hope they're doing okay nowadays. Not in any romantic sense at all, but just as people. I just hope that they're able to find peace with what I did and that they can find whatever they're looking for.

The best way to avoid disappointment is to not expect a fucking thing from anyone

Losing Control

I was talking to my buddy today about how I'm glad that he's dating a woman that makes him happy and he told me his ex "low-key" raped him. And that got me to thinking about my ex, Luz, and how I guess I didn't realize it until recently, but she low-key raped me when we were together.

She came over one Saturday night when we were together after going out clubbing with her friends. Her roommate (and good friend) brought her home first to get her changed out of her clubbing clothes (I'm sure purposefully, so I couldn't see what Luz was wearing). She showed up at like 2 am, and when I opened my front door, she was standing a few feet away, absolutely reeking of booze and poor choices.

She kissed me and it felt absolutely awful. We went to my room and I was trying to go to bed but she kept pressing me for sex. I didn't want to just because she was drunk and I didn't want to take advantage of her in her state. She kept pushing and pushing and pushing until we finally had sex, but I was fucking miserable the whole time. The booze on her breath made me feel so sick to my fucking stomach.

She low-key raped me.

I felt used for my body, a feeling I've had with a bunch of women I've dated. Used. Abused. Tossed to the curb. Abandoned. Traumatized. Broken. Shattered. Torn to pieces.

I can't believe how deeply she wrecked me. How deeply Maital hurt me. How used I felt with my hookups.

I’m so fucking into you

Sobriety

Sobriety is one of the toughest things I've had to deal with in my life. That constant battle with myself. Having to pump myself up and always remind myself I don't need to hide who I am, hide my problems behind a glass of liquor. I don't need liquor to be courageous, strong, or a more personable person.

It's always tough for me though when someone offers me some and I have the same response. "I'm all set. I'm in recovery."

The look on their face is usually the same - a mixture of shock, pity and discomfort.

But I always love challenging people. Is that weird that I like how uncomfortable people get sometimes?

Alcohol ruined my life in my early to mid 20's. It fucked up my mental health, my physical health. Friends were worried about me. Constantly checking in. Making sure I was still alive.

My sobriety is a constant reminder to myself to be better, to never let me lose myself again. That it's okay to feel and that I should feel all of my emotions and not run away. It's a source of my strength. It's a disease, and that doesn't make me a bad person. And there are going to be days when I struggle more with it than others.

I don't ever want to do that again, or see anyone struggle with that same downward spiral that nearly took my life away from me.

Ever since I moved to Colorado 4 years ago, I built a very meticulous life around me. Everything has always had to be in my control, never really willing to step outside my comfort zone. Relationships, friendships, always on my accord (for the most part). I built a life around myself, sheltered myself from the pain and hurt and anguish.

I felt scared to let people in, to get hurt, because I've been hurt one too many times.

But things are different with her. I actually want to try, to get out of my comfort zone, to let her in.

She's really good for me, the best woman I've dated. She actually cares about me, is protective over me, cares about how I'm feeling.

I like you a lot a lot.

Never forget your roots.

Always keep pushing through and take the higher road.

Be a better person.

Do right by yourself and others.

Continue to take care of yourself and be your own source of strength.

Love with all of your heart.

Show compassion and empathy.

Be gentle with yourself, you're going to make mistakes.

Sobriety is never owned.

It's rented.

And rent is due every damn damn.

Who Supports the Strong?

I just feel like people always put a lot on me. A lot of pressure. A lot of burdens. Everyone thinks I can handle it because I'm perceived as strong, and I can take a lot. But who do I go to for support? It's hard to find people to support me emotionally. What I need and what I'm given are two totally different things. I'm rarely given what I'm needed. I don't feel heard a lot of the time, or given much room to feel needy or dependent on others. I'm often seen as a paragon of strength. But what happens when the cracks come to the surface? What happens when I need to lean on someone else? Most people run. Most people can't handle it. I need to not be abandoned, to loved.

I had to deal with so much hurt and pain in my life and it seems like it keeps continuing. I've lived a harder life than most people can comprehend, and I've overcome so much.

The death of my dad, suicidal ideations and suicide attempts in my younger years. My alcoholism, having to rebuild myself several times after incredibly toxic relationships. Losing myself, regaining my identity only to be broken down again, building myself up back stronger than ever. I know who I am, what I like, what I don't like.

People look at me and see me as more than a 25 year old. I'm proud of where I am now, the person I am, but I still need support and it's just disheartening when I don't get it, or when I'm told to find the strength and support within myself, because I know I have it, but sometimes I need a little more.

What are you so afraid of?

I haven't blogged in awhile and my last several blog posts were so fucking dark. Me, crying out for so much help and getting none in return, is what t felt like.

I'm trying to be better, I really am. I bought my first house. I adopted a dog. I have a lot of people who care about me. I just feel so sad sometimes though. I miss my dad a lot. I wish he were here, to talk to, to give me guidance.

I just feel like I keep losing more and more of him as time goes by. Losing those memories. Forgetting what his voice sounded like.

He would have been 63 this April and it breaks my fucking heart. 9 years already since he passed. 9. Fucking. Years. God fucking damn.

I wish he could have met so many important people in my life. I wish he saw me move 2000 miles away to Colorado and start a new life for myself. I know he's with me in spirit but it's not the same.

Sometimes it's still hard to rationalize his passing. Why was he taken from me? I just don't think it's something I'll ever understand honestly.

I just want to be a good dad in the future. Half the dad that he was. I think that's one of my biggest fears. Leaving my children like he left me, with so many answers. I know it wasn't his choice, and I know he would have wanted to be around.

But sometimes I'm mad at him for not fighting hard enough to live. Mad in my younger days that he passed instead of me.

He left me so fucked up mentally and I had to spend so long unraveling all of my mental issues and illnesses alone. No support. Except a lot of intensive therapy and medications.

Abandonment issues. Feeling not good enough. Insecurities and anxiety.

I've struggled so much. I continue to struggle, but I've learned and grown and am trying to be the best version of myself for me.

I'm confident now. For once. People see that. They notice. They see my strength and passion. But it's hard to be strong sometimes and sometimes I feel so fucking weak. I just need help sometimes and I'm scared to ask for it. But I'm trying.

What're you afraid of?

I'm scared of getting hurt, wearing my heart on my sleeves so often I'm scared of getting crushed. I'm scared of being abandoned as I have been with a lot of people in my life. But I'm also trying to put myself out there. To love, to feel, to be overcome with joy, to continue to build my life, to eventually have a family. To be the good father I know I could be. Just like my dad was for me. He meant everything to me and he still does.