S plus P, it's meant to be <3

I'm so crippled by my guilt and burdens that its hard to function some times

I feel like a fucking asshole because I don't have a job this summer. I mean, I did have a tough school year, and I'm still dealing withy dad's death, so I deserve some time off, but I still can't help but feel guilty for being a bum

You don't really realize that after you graduate high school, you're in the real world. The illusion of childhood is over, and you're forced to make life decisions as an adult. There's no more playing games. After high school, everything you do matters. You make choices that will impact your futures successes

But I know the heart of life is good

if my dad were around, he would tell me to go to UConn

he would have wanted me to be happy, but to not venture past UConn in terms of schools

if he were around, i probably wouldn't be as mature as i am today

now that he's gone, i'm able to do things to make me happy

everything happens for a reason, but i still miss the shit out of him

i can't fucking wait to leave central! i'm just incredibly nervous that i won't get into conn

i was walking at the reservoir this morning, crying to myself

thinking about conn college and how i deserve to be at that school much more than a lot of the fucks who go there

getting down on myself, because i wanna be happy and make my dad proud

while i was there, i was thinking to myself how cool it would be to see this middle age asian couple i frequently see walking. they are genuine people. the man has long black hair, which is now graying, tucked behind his ears, and his wife trails behind. she gives off a pleasant aura

and i thought to myself, "i haven't seen them walking yet. maybe they're not here. but if i do, then i know that it will be a sign that i will transfer to conn"

i like to ascribe great cosmic significance to seemingly inconsequential events, but they are actually not inconsequential

i put this thought aside, and didn't really think about it

instead, i dwelled on my unhappiness and that i want to transfer schools

i was getting discouraged, until the last leg of the walk

i climbed a hill, and saw the couple!

the man gave me a really big smile, and the wife, who usually just nods, grinned her teeth at me. it was incredibly genuine!

after i passed them, my heart began to pound. will my thought come true? will i successfully transfer to conn?

i hope so

I shouldn't be under this much pressure, now. It's the fucking summer, after all

when i was a little kid, i wanted nothing more than being a grown up. the freedom of being able to do anything i wanted enticed me. i wanted to be on my own more than anything

now that i'm legally an adult, i wish i were young again. i miss high school. granted, the classes sucked, and seeing the same people over and over again got awkward, especially if you had a bad encounter with them. but i miss the memories i created. i loved being able to see kids in my school and instantly being able to remember all the embarrassing things they did. i miss not having responsibilities. i miss not having to worry about work, or my future. i miss being able to hang out with my good friends on a daily basis

i know there's no going back, but it just sucks that my 4 years of high school are now behind me

are you going to scarborough fair?
parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme

multiple breakdowns later, i'm slowly starting to realize that i'm doing ok

God I'll make them pay
Take it back one day
I'll end this day
I'll splatter color
On this gray

Born to push you around
Better just stay down
You pull away
He hits the flesh
You hit the ground

Mouth so full of lies
Tend to black your eyes
Just keep them closed
Keep praying
Just keep waiting

Waiting for the one
The day that never comes

And in the end, my world always comes crashing down around me, and I'm just left to suffer my panic attacks and try to make things right, because I've certainly fucked up

I don't ever need anyone's pity. I'm fucking strong. I don't ever want anyone looking down on me. That's because I'm better than most fucking people, anyway. Thank god I was raised right

I'm the hero of this story, don't need to be saved