Does True Love Wait?

Wow, I fucking hate you. You fucking represent everything that I've worked so hard to get away from. You're all of the following to me:

You're that toxic girl whom I couldn't say no to, whom I ended up cheating on.
You're the girl who doesn't make enough time for me
You're the girl who when I'm vulnerable with and tell her I miss her and want to cuddle, you respond with "I'm taking a bath"
You're emotionless. You're cruel and callous
You get to run away and hide in your home state
You get to hide behind your Instagram and social media posts to pretend to show everyone life is grand

You're a phony. Nothing about you is real. Your words are empty, soothing me at first, but later cutting me and tearing flesh from bone.

Actions speak louder than words. Never ever forget that. People make time for those that they want to make time for. And clearly you're not a priority. You haven't been a priority for a woman in 2 years. That's a fact.

The world is a cold, dark place for a millennial trying to find love. I say this because it's difficult. Everyone is out for themselves, and they can't seem to prioritize others. And you're no different. I can't believe I fell for you. How could I be so stupid?

I hate you, I love you, I hate that I love you.

Fuck you for breaking me. Fuck you for letting me fall head over heels for you. I hate you for letting me feel things for you. I hate you for being so callous and telling me that you want to keep things casual, that you don't do long distance.

I fucking hate myself for ignoring the signs and for perpetually wearing my heart on my sleeve.

You don't give a damn about me. You don't care, you never did.

I just want to fucking shout from the rooftops. I want to scream my fucking head off. I'm so livid. I'm so heartbroken. And yet, I did this to myself, too. I let girls hurt me because I don't respect myself enough to look out for myself.

I keep ending up in this same spot, with these fucking girls who don't give two fucking shits about me. Girls who are fucking anomalies, who are callous and selfish and mean. Girls who I let into my life, who I make room for because I'm too weak.

I don't think I believe in love anymore. I think that was the last straw that broke my back. I think my heart is finally broken, once and for all. Slowly chipped away from my mean exes, and finally broken thanks to you. I fucking hate you.

Why don't you fucking retreat back to the safety of Cali when you graduate in December? That's all you Cali girls are good at, is coming to Boulder and breaking my heart and then leaving. Go back to your warm state, because my heart is fucking cold and irreparably damaged.

Take Note, There's Still a Hole in your Heart

I haven't written in this blog in like a year and a half. I usually journal nowadays, letting myself be the only audience of my thoughts and musings of my life. But for some reason, I've been drawn to this blog. I've been thinking about it the last few days, and today, I finally decided to open it. To see all the memories I've chosen to share on this, the pain, the anguish and the growth and change I've experienced throughout my college years and now into the "real world."

To see that fundamentally, I'm the same at my core. But now with more life experiences to back up my writings.

I'm lying in bed, oddly stricken with anxiety today. From working a 12 hour long day, to personal shit and everything in between. My breath short and quick, slightly worried I'm gonna black out as I have on several occasions, the last one last summer when she said her hurtful shit. The hurtful truth, her truth, that she dropped on me so casually. With no sense of empathy or caring. Impulsively, as if I wouldn't care or bat an eyelash. She was cruel the whole time. Always fucking selfish. One of the hearts on your arm, held up by the bird, a literal reminder of her. A reminder to yourself to never, ever let anyone walk all over you like that again. That no woman has the right to ever break you. But most importantly, that you have no right to break yourself like that.

But I'm over that. I'm over everything. I'm protecting myself, because at the end of the day, all I have is myself. But that's selfish. What would your dad say? Would he be proud of that? He was so selfless, and caring and gave everything. Literally everything, including his last breaths, for his family.

Every time you love someone, whether it's a friend or a partner, you give them a piece of your heart. You give them a bit of yourself. You trust them with yourself. With your insecurities, your faults, your flaws. Your secrets, your quirks. In the hopes that they won't crush you, won't let you down, won't break your already fragile heart. Because you're so trusting. You want others with you on your journey through life. Because you saw how short life can be when you watched your father die right in front of your eyes and lost every bit of yourself that afternoon. That afternoon when your heart broke for the first time. Almost irreparably.

Your heart is fragile from death, from love and loss, from regrets and heartache at watching others hurt at your hands.

But you've grown strong. You've nourished yourself, eaten your fill through spirituality and through the company of others, become stronger, falling down and picking yourself back up over and over and over again. And in those moments of weakness, you find your strength, your passions. Your love of others, your selflessness (very much so to a fault), your connection with others.

And while your heart might be broken, the only hole that's missing is the one your dad left behind. Because that's the biggest hole of them all. But he's always with you. He helps you along. Through your loss you found out who you are, what your commitments are. To serve your community.

And I'm ready to let others in again. To love those in my life with my heart. My heart that has been broken open so many times, yet it never gives up. Those who break open your heart teach you a lot about yourself. That you want to be different, better, to grow and change  It never loses sight of love and hope.

So, please be gentle with my heart, my soul, my being. I'm strong but fragile. Courageous and brave, yet insecure and unsure. I am myself, unapologetically myself. Unapologetically Michael