nothing makes me happy anymore....

i feel like life is passing me by. i need to get up and go somewhere. far away from here. far away from stupid fucking college and all my problems..even though i know i can't outrun them :(

today i realized how truly pathetic and worthless my life is. i'm such a fucking disappointment. i always let everyone around me down. if my dad were to see me today, he'd probably hate the person i am. why does anyone like me? i'm a piece of shit. i don't deserve nice things. every single day i wish i were dead and my father were alive. his life had meaning. mine doesn't. i can't handle it anymore. i feel so empty inside. all the time. anxiety rushes over me, and i feel like i'm panicking. if i were to die today, would anyone miss me? i think they'd miss me at first, but then they would move on with their lives. because at the end of the day, people are self centered bastards. my existence would fade into a distant memory. and i'm fucking scared about that. i want to be remembered as that really cool, genuine kid who put the needs of others in front of his own problems, much like my dad. he was always so concerned with how others felt. he neglected his own health, and now he's gone. forever. i fucking miss him. i wish i could trade places with him right now....fuck

a day in the life

i've had to been strong since i was 16 years old. i can't handle it anymore...i just wanna be done with it all

strength is only how well you hide the pain

why am i fighting so hard for this life? i'm so tired. i've been struggling with depression since i was 16. i'm so. fucking. tired. i just want to go to sleep and never wake up sometimes. i would embrace death. my life is the most meaningless thing i can think of. idk why anyone likes me...i still don't understand how my girlfriend is still with me. i'm the biggest fucking piece of shit ever. everything i ever do, i fuck it up in some way or another. i don't deserve to have nice things like my friends, family and my girlfriend. part of me is staying alive just to please them, so i can be present in their lives. but i can't do this anymore. school has me stressed out...i remember reading a book senior year in high school titled, Things Fall Apart. it was about the struggle of a yam farmer in an ever changing environment. from reading that book, i have come to realize that things in life do in fact fall apart. nothing ever stays positive...especially in my life. everything feels like it's crumbling around me

fml

god, my life is so awful. things haven't been the same since my dad died. he was battling cancer for nine months, and died on a hospital bed. he died right in front of my eyes. words cannot express how traumatic that was for a 17 year old. his extremities were blue. his skin was clammy. he was unresponsive. i talked to him on the phone the night before, but i didn't say i loved him or anything. i walked into the hospital room, and the doctors told my family there was nothing more they could do. it was so surreal. it didn't even register in my brain. they took him off life support and i had to stand there as his vitals slowly dropped to zero. i remember crying uncontrollably. a few days later, i had to bury my dad...i have like legit post traumatic stress disorder and i'm depressed all the time. i find myself sitting at home in front of my computer listening to sober music, crying...fml