I haven't written in this blog in like a year and a half. I usually journal nowadays, letting myself be the only audience of my thoughts and musings of my life. But for some reason, I've been drawn to this blog. I've been thinking about it the last few days, and today, I finally decided to open it. To see all the memories I've chosen to share on this, the pain, the anguish and the growth and change I've experienced throughout my college years and now into the "real world."
To see that fundamentally, I'm the same at my core. But now with more life experiences to back up my writings.
I'm lying in bed, oddly stricken with anxiety today. From working a 12 hour long day, to personal shit and everything in between. My breath short and quick, slightly worried I'm gonna black out as I have on several occasions, the last one last summer when she said her hurtful shit. The hurtful truth, her truth, that she dropped on me so casually. With no sense of empathy or caring. Impulsively, as if I wouldn't care or bat an eyelash. She was cruel the whole time. Always fucking selfish. One of the hearts on your arm, held up by the bird, a literal reminder of her. A reminder to yourself to never, ever let anyone walk all over you like that again. That no woman has the right to ever break you. But most importantly, that you have no right to break yourself like that.
But I'm over that. I'm over everything. I'm protecting myself, because at the end of the day, all I have is myself. But that's selfish. What would your dad say? Would he be proud of that? He was so selfless, and caring and gave everything. Literally everything, including his last breaths, for his family.
Every time you love someone, whether it's a friend or a partner, you give them a piece of your heart. You give them a bit of yourself. You trust them with yourself. With your insecurities, your faults, your flaws. Your secrets, your quirks. In the hopes that they won't crush you, won't let you down, won't break your already fragile heart. Because you're so trusting. You want others with you on your journey through life. Because you saw how short life can be when you watched your father die right in front of your eyes and lost every bit of yourself that afternoon. That afternoon when your heart broke for the first time. Almost irreparably.
Your heart is fragile from death, from love and loss, from regrets and heartache at watching others hurt at your hands.
But you've grown strong. You've nourished yourself, eaten your fill through spirituality and through the company of others, become stronger, falling down and picking yourself back up over and over and over again. And in those moments of weakness, you find your strength, your passions. Your love of others, your selflessness (very much so to a fault), your connection with others.
And while your heart might be broken, the only hole that's missing is the one your dad left behind. Because that's the biggest hole of them all. But he's always with you. He helps you along. Through your loss you found out who you are, what your commitments are. To serve your community.
And I'm ready to let others in again. To love those in my life with my heart. My heart that has been broken open so many times, yet it never gives up. Those who break open your heart teach you a lot about yourself. That you want to be different, better, to grow and change It never loses sight of love and hope.
So, please be gentle with my heart, my soul, my being. I'm strong but fragile. Courageous and brave, yet insecure and unsure. I am myself, unapologetically myself. Unapologetically Michael
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