What are you so afraid of?

I haven't blogged in awhile and my last several blog posts were so fucking dark. Me, crying out for so much help and getting none in return, is what t felt like.

I'm trying to be better, I really am. I bought my first house. I adopted a dog. I have a lot of people who care about me. I just feel so sad sometimes though. I miss my dad a lot. I wish he were here, to talk to, to give me guidance.

I just feel like I keep losing more and more of him as time goes by. Losing those memories. Forgetting what his voice sounded like.

He would have been 63 this April and it breaks my fucking heart. 9 years already since he passed. 9. Fucking. Years. God fucking damn.

I wish he could have met so many important people in my life. I wish he saw me move 2000 miles away to Colorado and start a new life for myself. I know he's with me in spirit but it's not the same.

Sometimes it's still hard to rationalize his passing. Why was he taken from me? I just don't think it's something I'll ever understand honestly.

I just want to be a good dad in the future. Half the dad that he was. I think that's one of my biggest fears. Leaving my children like he left me, with so many answers. I know it wasn't his choice, and I know he would have wanted to be around.

But sometimes I'm mad at him for not fighting hard enough to live. Mad in my younger days that he passed instead of me.

He left me so fucked up mentally and I had to spend so long unraveling all of my mental issues and illnesses alone. No support. Except a lot of intensive therapy and medications.

Abandonment issues. Feeling not good enough. Insecurities and anxiety.

I've struggled so much. I continue to struggle, but I've learned and grown and am trying to be the best version of myself for me.

I'm confident now. For once. People see that. They notice. They see my strength and passion. But it's hard to be strong sometimes and sometimes I feel so fucking weak. I just need help sometimes and I'm scared to ask for it. But I'm trying.

What're you afraid of?

I'm scared of getting hurt, wearing my heart on my sleeves so often I'm scared of getting crushed. I'm scared of being abandoned as I have been with a lot of people in my life. But I'm also trying to put myself out there. To love, to feel, to be overcome with joy, to continue to build my life, to eventually have a family. To be the good father I know I could be. Just like my dad was for me. He meant everything to me and he still does.