i miss my dad so much

why can't he physically be here with me? sitting next to me in class, or in the library or at the dinner table with my new "friends"?

i don't have everything together

everything is a ruse

i want to see my dad when he was healthy and vibrant so badly. i'm so envious of everyone who has a dad who is breathing, seeing, feeling, touching, smiling

what would my dad say about me right now? would he be proud of me? disappointed? i want to hear his voice so much

why am i so consumed by this? why can't i just be stronger, instead of being shaken up by everything?

and while i sit here, i realize that it's bee three years to the day that my father got sick

three,fucking.years

where the fuck did the time go?

why am i still so damaged? i can't seem to help myself. like at all