Relationships are tough, family. It's been hard for me to get back into the swing of things and really put myself out there emotionally. You could be sitting there and say to me, "but Michael, you're always in a relationship!" And I would retort by saying "I've been in relationships that have made me feel so alone and alienated, and I've also been single for awhile throughout my life."
I'm selfish, I'm vindictive, I test. That's just who I am. I've learned so many self-destructive lessons by being with her. She fucked me up so much when we were together. I just have so much baggage, trust issues and doubt because of her. I can't seem to let my guard down. I'm anxious and angry. Hurt and destroyed. But I'm building myself back up. But it's taking so much more time than I thought. A year after we broke up, I'm still struggling to find myself again. I'm still learning to find what makes me tick. I'm re-learning who I am. My insecurities. It's hard being introspective sometimes, you know?
But I also feel so ridiculously insecure in my current relationship. I just feel so spiteful and vindictive all the time. I just can't seem to hold it all together. Oh you don't want to see me? That's fine. Fuck you. You can just go to bed alone, and miss out on seeing me. I'm a fucking man-dime, I'm fucking amazing.
Yet another part of myself gets down on myself.
I'm selfish and jealous. This is me. This is all of me. Raw, emotional and unapologetically myself. I'm a shitty dude. A selfish asshole. And that's who I became when I moved out here, after all the heartbreak and turmoil, I became callous. I became bitter and mean. And I hate how this is who I am nowadays. It's been hard to save myself, and I think I need a lot of saving.
I'm just so jealous and vindictive. I used to be a nice and naive kid back in the day, full of life and hope. And then all of these women came around, and they kept taking pieces of me. They were remorseless and selfish. They took and took and took. One girl after another. They chipped away at the nice guy I was until I was left with nothing. And to get back, I became mean to women, a misogynist. I became a flirt and a cool, Casanova-type figure. I became really tattooed, with slicked back hair. A debonair. I hurt women for amusement, I hurt women just because I could. I led them on, with false promises of relationships. Because that's the type of vibe I give off apparently. The vibe that I'm a stable dude who can commit. But little did they all know that I was leading them on, just for my own amusement. Just so I could have sex with them. To rack up my numbers of girls I've slept with.
Each girl I hurt was cathartic. Me getting even, me getting square with the universe. But I became a worse person. I turned into that asshole that I once idolized in high school. The cool asshole jock who always got the girl. I looked up to that guy heavily, and then I became that guy. And sometimes I look in the mirror and I can't even recognize the man I've become.
I hurt women. I test girls I date to see if they can live up to my high standards. I'm an asshole when I don't get my way or when I'm inconvenienced. It's easier for me this way. I might be hurting myself, but it's easier. It's hard to be vulnerable and put other people in front of my own needs.
No comments:
Post a Comment