so here i sit here, by myself, like usual, and i find myself absolutely and unequivocally alone emotionally. i feel like i can't connect with my new friends on a deeper level and it makes me feel anxious. it's like pulling teeth to have a conversation with some of my friends here. everyone around me is too busy doing their own thing to notice that i'm floundering

even her friends can't be bothered to talk to me. they whisper about their personal lives in front of me, as if i were not even supposed to be there to hear them talking. i feel like they will never consider me their friend. my only title is "her boyfriend"and that's all i will be to them

i was washing my hands in the bathroom earlier, and the poem, "Harlem" by Langston Hughes was stuck in my head for some reason. it goes like this:

What happens to a dream deferred?

      Does it dry up

      like a raisin in the sun?

      Or fester like a sore—

      And then run?

      Does it stink like rotten meat?

      Or crust and sugar over—

      like a syrupy sweet?

      Maybe it just sags

      like a heavy load.

      Or does it explode?

 

i feel like i'm going to explode right now.